Whenever I watch my sister say hi to my aunts all the time, visit my neighbors'/relatives' house everyday, play with my grandmother, I keep on saying to myself, "Why wasn't I like her when I was young?" Because ever since I was a kid, I've already had a bad relationship with people. Back then, saying hi or even giving a smile took a lot of energy from me. Smiling and greeting just didn't feel right. I remember my aunts telling me "Ngumiti ka naman. Lagi ka nalang nakasimangot." Probably that was one of the reasons why I grew up without any playmate aside from my brother and cousin.

My relationship with my grade school friends sucked a lot too. Back then, I had no idea why I was always left out. Why the cool group always bullied me. Why they always laughed at me behind my back. I had no idea until somebody slapped me in the face with the truth that they just didn't like me. Period.

I found real friends and company when I went to high school. And it continued til now that I am already in college. With them, I can talk and laugh all the time, and it feels good. But it all comes back to zero when I am not with them. I am still uncomfortable when it comes to talking to people. I still can't make friends in church. I am still the awkward person when I am with my relatives. I still put on my headset and turn up the volume so that I won't talk to them. Smiling still takes a lot of effort. Probably I won't be able to change any of that. Because that's me. That's me and I hate it.