Stuck in a moment

But darling look at you, you gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight. These tears are going nowhere baby. You got to get yourself together. You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it. Don't say that later will be better. You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it. 

For the past few years, I allowed myself to succumb to anxiety and panics that were brought by the dreaded quarter-life. One moment I was trying to enjoy, travel and meet new friends then suddenly, quarter-life crisis shook my entire life. Challenges are now beyond my abilities and people’s expectations became higher than the dreams I set myself upon. So as a competitive person, I got absorbed in reaching my future goals and laying the groundwork for my life plans. I worked, planned and planned ahead -- way ahead of my life’s vision. I wasted days and nights sweating the small stuff and fearing things that might not even happen. I lost my nerves for every single thing that didn’t turn out as planned. I was terrified that all these small things will reverberate to the big plan. I stopped watching new movies because I couldn’t connect with the story anymore since my brain keeps on going back to my life thoughts. I couldn’t even finish one movie without being distracted by my phone. I also stopped entertaining myself through music or better-said music doesn’t entertain me anymore. I shut myself out from the world, rejecting all travel plans and parties with friends for fear of losing focus on my goals. I deferred any form of gratification such that in my head I always thought, “Nah I’ll do that after graduation. Or after I got accepted. Or after my application got approved.”

November 11, 2016. I graduated, got accepted in the phD, and my 5-yr stay in Australia has long been approved, but I’m still not doing the things that I said I would do. I’m here in another country, with more freedom than I ever had, but I still curl up in my bed watching How I Met Your Mother and Friends all weekend. I have more time after work but I use it to sleep early. I keep on saying that life in Australia is painfully dull and boring, and to some extent it’s true, but I think my tendency to delay gratification is the main reason why I have a very uneventful life. I always wait for a better, next time.

It’s incredibly sad to see my life like this. Maybe this is what happens when a person fails to manage his thirst to reach his goals. Now I don’t know how to focus and finish a good movie anymore. I don’t even know how to have fun. And sadly, I have no idea how to turn my life around and make it more exciting and fulfilling, but for now, I’ll start by listening to music once again.

Dealing with closed doors

“Somethings worth having defy logic. They come with obstacles, challenges, battles and long periods of wandering in the dark. Your path won't make sense to your family or friends. People will weigh in with their life rules and fears, but in the end it is your life. That pull you feel is real and often your intuition. It nags at you everyday. Follow it for as far as it takes you because life is too short to dwell on indecision, while you forget to live. Take a chance because if you have a good heart God isn't going to abandon you. He will travel wherever you need to go, in order to find the missing pieces of your soul.” ―                                                                                                                   Shannon L. Alder

2016 was a one hell of a ride: achieving my lifelong dream of getting an overseas postgrad degree, being with the love of my life and all the separations and challenges in between, and embarking on fulfilling another lifelong dream. I started the year from the north of the world and I'm ending it here down under in Australia where I was accepted in one of its institutions under a full-scholarship phD program. Yes, the phD, my next starting line. The phD opportunity was not granted without trials and tribulations, in fact I can still remember all the sleepless nights and tearful prayers during my application. The summer of this year was a whirlwind of emotional stress, anxiety and desperation as I clung to fate and sheer luck. Fast forward to November, I am now four months into my program achieving reasonable progress and trying to contribute to the institution that made my dream possible. 

Having said, this is my most important take-home in 2016: Let go and let God. Looking at how things turned in my life this year, I am sure that I did not get here on my own. Not on my might, not on my own abilities. I was rejected more than once, and just when I was about to lose hope God turned things around in my favor and opened doors for me just at the nick of time. If that wasn't a miracle, then I don't know what is. 

Having said, this is my takehome lesson from 2016: believe in Him. Even when life gets hard, when things are not in your favor, or even when life seemed to have closed all its doors for you. Even then, especially then, you should never stop believing in the miracle of the Lord. So let's hang in there and finish the year strong. God bless you.