Of dreams and foolish preparations.

Sometimes, we spend most of our lives preparing for something.. We put-off a lot of life risks because we think we're still not prepared enough; thinking that we will be more ready next time.. next month.. next year.. 

Some say that it's not necessary to get all your bases covered before making a move on your life because it will just give you a false feeling of preparation. You think you got it all prepared for all possible turnouts but when you actually move, it's still different than what you are expecting then boom you get disappointed. No matter how much you read and ask about it, you won't know something unless you actually try it. Just prepare as much as you can up to a certain extent and let your courage follow through. 

The Hard-Won Lessons of the Solitary Years

"Most important, I’ve realized I never needed a long boyfriend résumé for the experience. In the 20 years before I met Him, I learned a lot of hard lessons: how to be a self-respecting adult in a world that often treats single people like feckless teenagers; how to stand at cocktail parties while my friends’ in-laws asked me if I had a boyfriend; how to have warm, friendly dinners with strangers I had met online as we delicately tried to determine whether we could possibly share our lives together; and how to come home to an empty apartment after a rotten day at work. I realize these less-than-giddy examples may conjure up those deadly words: “desperate” and “pathetic.” But I wasn’t desperate. If I had been desperate, I would have settled for a relationship I felt ambivalent about because I was afraid to be alone. Instead, I learned to relax into the open space of my quiet home and unknown future. I also learned there is a difference between feeling something unpleasant (loneliness, longing) and being something shameful. 

 Being a single person searching for love teaches you that not everything is under your control. You can’t control whether the person you’ve fallen for will call. You can’t force yourself to have feelings for the nice guy your best friend fixed you up with. You have no way to know whether attending this or that event — a co-worker’s art opening, a neighbor’s housewarming — will lead to the chance encounter that will forever alter your life. You simply learn to do your best, and leave it at that. 

Relationships are work, but so is being single, and I became pretty good at it."

-The New York Times

Unselfie

Tadah! My face in its full-frontal nudity. No make-up, no filter, no angle, no combing, no pacute and puckered smile or whatsoever. This is me with my pimples, oily and red-patched skin, swollen eyes, chubby cheeks (nadadaan talaga sa angle pag yung mukha ko sa pictures) and all the imperfections that my Ipad's front cam can capture, and every flaw that you guys can pinpoint.

Terrifying Start of the Year

Life is so, so, so much easier when you have an external force giving you directions on your life. Be it your parents, pushing you to finish school, or school itself pushing you to finish and get the hell out of its premises.

Le sigh. I thought I had it all figured out when I graduated and became "licensed" chemical engineer, but nope. My life became more confusing when I got out of school.

#Closing2013: Highlights and Lowlights

So here we are, two days away from ending the year. The year that was a whirlwind of new experiences, wave of several emotions, and the start of my quarter-life crisis.

Fresh from my board exam success, post-college trauma hit me hard. I ended up working for a job where my father used to be at for 10 years. Not that I was complaining since, of course, there are perks. But it can only take me so far. Let me talk about that later.

WORK was okay. The industry is very tough and all the employees are in constant pressure to live in the office. There are weeks when I work for 15hours everyday, only going home to sleep for 4hours then get back to work again. I was losing more sleep at work than during our thesis week. But honestly I had no problem about that. Working hard is not a new concept to me.

With work goes the income and SAVINGS. I am proud to say that I have been trained by my parents to manage my income very well. My savings account is one of the few things that I am proud of this year.

I got my chance to TRAVEL to Bangkok this year, thanks to my father. He was there for official business so he allowed me to tour myself in the country. Three days of touring all the nook and crannies of Bangkok made me realize that travel really gives one a richer soul. I think I am a sight-seeing and soul-searching kinda girl.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I can count in my  hands the number of times that I have seen my dearest FRIENDS this year. We had an intimate dinner at Army Navy (we saw Derek Ramsay), went to Intramuros for a mini-fieldtrip / walkathon (we were kids like that) , had a christmas bonding at Alabang. I had a Tagaytay getaway with my college friends and overnight swimming with Eric, Carlo and company. All the other weekends were spent resting.

Those are all the highlights that were memorable to me this year.

The one, major lowlight for me this year is my CAREER. My fucking career. First, I am not very happy that my first job has my father's name all over the place. I got well-known so fast by the big bosses not because of my skills, but because they are friends with my father. I was introduced to every Amkor employee as "the daughter of Perry Cruz." It is equally frustrating that I felt that I was getting nowhere with this job. Maybe it's too early to tell, or maybe I just have to trust my gut that tells me I am planted in the wrong soil.

I heard harsh words from my father as to how I handle my career, my DECISIONS and my life over all. Can I blame him? I don't work that hard. I am not interested with the assembly industry. The amount of effort that I put in my job right now is not even a quarter of what I know I could give. Yes, my father was utterly disappointed with me.

I didn't know it has to be this hard. But then, I didn't know that in a span of one year, life can teach me a lot of things. That maybe, I just have to accept the fact that I am a baby in the real world with nothing on hand and everything to learn. I can't always get what I want. There will be a lot of REJECTIONS and DISAPPOINTMENTS. But what should set me aside is my passion.

That drive that makes me wake up every morning and face whatever the day may bring to me. The passion that will make me fulfilled every time I go home for the fact that I went out there and challenged myself. I know it's hard to find, but I had it once... and I know I can find it again.

LIFE slapped me the fact that I am not a kid anymore. Nobody will make decisions for me. I am accountable to every consequences that my decisions will bring. I will be the one to benefit and suffer from it. It is what makes everything scary. I finally understood the weight of taking risks. Every decision that I make will impact my life five to ten years from now.

"It's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about."

MOVING FORWARD. Life will always have its trade-offs. There are things we need to sacrifice in order to get what we want. Nothing is free, even decisions.

But I cannot get out of this soil if I won't make a decision to move forward, upward. It's not always a guarantee but I have to do it. I am not getting any younger. The best time to take risks, explore different opportunities is now. I won't be able to do half the things that I want when I get older and attached.

#2013 overwhelmed me with reality. The goodness of life and all the bad things that came with it. I take with me all the learnings and experiences and I leave all the bad things behind. I can't stress this enough but #2014 is my Year of the Great Uncertainty. I honestly don't know where to go -- literally and figuratively. But any how, it is the only way to go and I look forward to it.