I am HD

It is eighteen days before I turn 19. So before I start my last year of being reckless, free and angsty, I made a sort of to-do-list that I want to accomplish during the last year of my teenage life. 

1. Learn how to drive. 

2. Go on a sleepover. 

3. Or host a sleepover here at home. 

4. Learn how to make myself look presentable.

5. Grow my long hair back. 

6. Watch a 3D movie in IMAX

7. Get a full body massage.

8. Eat at Hotshots!!! 

9. Experience an out-of-town trip with friends.

10. ________________ 

  

And the list goes on.

Frankly, my teenage life is very dull compared to others. I don't go to clubs, I don't drink, smoke, or party. I don't conform to the kind of fun that others enjoy. Probably it's because my parents had been very strict on me when I was younger that's why I just settled for what I have and what they could approve of. But frankly, I am tired of being dull. I am tired of my plain and boring life. Once in a while, I want to feel free and have genuine and wholesome fun. I want to know what I will be losing in being young and carefree so that I will be able to savor every moment of being one. I want to explore and experience what the world has to offer.

I want to live. 

My mom and I have been in search for the perfect shade of lipstick for years, and until now, we couldn't find it. I am more of a lipstick person than anything else, and to be honest, it's one of the few makeups that I can wear. I can't wear foundations or sorts because of my acne and I don't have the money to buy eye makeups that sure won't smudge (Maybelline NY and Clinique disappointed me). Lipstick is the only kikay stuff that can make me look atleast different everyday.

At last! I found it-- on Leighton's lips.

I don't know if I have already come across this shade during one of my many hunts and I just don't have the eye on nailing it. Or maybe, I still just have not found it. Oh please, somebody tell me what shade this is. I am dying to have it.

Sea of people was pouring out from the metro a while ago. People of different ages and classes came out rushing for reasons who knows what. Probably trying to make it home early for dinner. As for me, I was rushing to make it home before my dad starts calling me because then I will start to panic and try to fly my way home.

I have taken the metro on rush hours for many times now. But still I am not used to the hustle-and-bustle and the "tensed" feeling whenever I am there. It is like everyone's on-call for an emergency and no one has a minute to spare even for a relaxed walk.

This made me realize something. Whether we are rushing to make it to dinner, to make it before curfew, or to just not waste time on travelling, we are all rushing to something. We always want something done ASAP because of one thing: a deadline.

Rushing is part of our lives. We all have deadlines to meet and bosses to please. It may be our professors, the manager, or our dads. But altogether, we only have one deadline. We don't know the specific date, but our Boss made sure that He had given us enough time to build a life that will please Him. So that when it's time for our Boss to grade our work, He'll give us the smile and the approval.

The prelims week was devastating, to put it mildly. But honest to everyone, I will use alom's term -- impyerno. There wasn't a single exam that I left the room smiling and rejoicing because I answered everything right.

Day 1: Strength of Materials

Six problems. I got 1a, 1b and 5 wrong. I am still debating over 3a. Damn. I don't know how will I get an 80+ grade with that kind of performance. :(

Day 2: ProbStat

In a multiple exam consisting of 10 items and four choices each, how many ways can a person get 3 to 8 answers correctly? Oh damn.

Day 3: PGC and Org Chem

I did well on the PGC exam, except on the essay part. I don't know what has gotten into me but I really suck on doing essays nowadays. I mean, how come I love to blog but I hate doing essays? Org Chem was just pure multiple choice so it's easier. But knowing Mam Torres, the choices were confusing. But I can say that these are the exams that did not depress me after taking them.

Day 4: Physical Chemisery .

A kind of exam that made us realize that exam week is really a hell week. 25items theory and 5items problem solving. The theory was effing hard. May ibang items dun, namili lang ako ng magandang letter. Yung iba "nagsurvey" nalang. :)) And 3/5 problems are like what the hell is this? It was the very first time I took an exam that I don't know what to write. I have encountered difficult exams, but atleast I still know how to start on them, and they confuse me as I continue solving them. Pero etong sa phychem, simulan palang ang hirap na. :( A fellow batchmate said that nakakadegrade ng pagkatao ung phychem kasi nagmuka kaming walang kaalam-alam.

Day 5: SCL and Amats

Sir Bernabe announced the scores on our quiz1 in SCL. My gosh, I failed!!! It was once again an essay type, and like I said I suck on essays these days! Shit. Theo nalang bumagsak pa. Plus the quiz2 and prelims was confusing too! :(( ANO BA!!! Ayoko ng 2.something sa theology!!! Theology nalang e!!

Amats = advance math = shit. I was damn frustrated while answering them because I can fully picture out what's happening with the orifice, and blahblah. I just don't know how to do it.

Sigh.

When my mom picked me up at the dorm, the first thing she said was "O kamusta ang exams?" and honestly the first thing that ever came out of my mouth was "TSK!" then I cried. I was that frustrated about my exams. I don't know what is the problem. Is it my study habits? Is it the way I study my lessons? Do I lack focus? Ano ba? I keep on saying to myself na babawi ako after prelims and magsisipag na ako. Pero as I look back, masipag naman ako! Damn it. Aral ako ng aral. There is no TV or internet at the dorm to distract me. Kaya saan ako nagkulang?.

Anyway. My ranting is over. Thanks for those who managed to finish reading this post. But if you didn't, I won't blame you. It's an eyesore.

I declare it in Jesus' name!! I WILL PASS ALL MY SUBJECTS THIS SEMESTER!!

Regrets. My life is pretty much filled with it right now. To be honest, all these frustrations, pains and failures that I got from my past experiences are still in me. I have not healed from them yet.