I've always been a very ambitious person. I've always known the person I wanted to become and the life I wanted to live since I was young. I wanted to have a career. I knew I would never stay in one place and I would compete with many people, not to win, but to be improve myself. I was not born genius but I wanted to be smart so I knew that I should work ten times harder than my classmates. I was so used to late nights since I was in grade school. I was busy working towards my ambitions. No hobbies, no childhood life.
I grew up in a very strict household. There were many things that I was not allowed to do and were criticized for while growing up. My parents said they were instilling discipline. When I asked my parents if I could join my friends on a beach trip, they did not allow me. I was 22, then. I knew that claiming my independence would not be easy in a household that criticized my future based on how late I went home when I was 22.
When I was 23, I knew I had to use my brain to claim my freedom. My father would never allow her first daughter to win a rebellion in his house. So I looked for scholarships abroad in places that are safe for women and then I found Korea. That's why I would always call it my first 'adventure'. I went there not to "study" per se, but to widen my perspective and to finally live my life the way I wanted to. I worked hard and played hard. My father would always scoff on my travel photos saying that I went there to only have fun. He was not aware that I did experiments for twelve hours, six days a week, just to earn a day off. Of course it's always my job to prove myself. I guess I didn't deserve to be understood.
Now, I have a doctorate. The greatest achievement of my entire life conferred by one of the world's top 50 institutions and I did it on my own. I earned it. Blood and sweat. The hardest four years of my life.
It's been nearly six years since I moved out of the country - away from my family and the people who have very low expectations from me. It was the most freeing experience of my entire existence and I haven't had enough of this life. There are still so many things I want to do with my time. I want to travel, learn recipes, try new hobbies, pamper myself, date my husband, and read books. I want to do all the things that I missed when I was younger. The possibilities are endless.
This is the entire reason why I shy away from having kids. Being a parent would tie me down and bring me to that blackhole of prying eyes, criticisms, comparison, and judgments. I know these are part of parenthood but personally, I am not ready to go down that path. The hypothetical joy of having children cannot compensate the sacrifices that are being asked from me, yet.
Maybe one day, I will be ready to change my life. One day, when I finally enjoyed the freedom that I denied myself for twenty two years, I will go down the noble path of raising new human beings. But for now, let me enjoy the life that I know I deserve.
Women have worked so hard to have equal footing in the society, to be equal and even be better than men, and to actually have a choice. No one should dictate as to when and if we want to change the course of our life toward parenthood just to meet a biological deadline. Let us live on our own terms.
Some people may be uncomfortable with this discussion but for me it has to be said.
