Day 17: Something you're (not) looking forward to

Two days before 28

It is a usual joke between my peers that new adults stop looking forward to their birthdays after 25. Personally, I think it's because life starts to speed up when we are busy taking care of it. Compared to a graph, the scale of an adult life gets bigger as the years add up. Nothing special happens on a day-to-day basis. The best day is always the payday which sadly comes fortnightly and yet the bills are eternal. Waiting for a potential job interview takes months. Planning for a wedding takes a year. Daily gratifications are getting harder to achieve and so we are often told that patience is key. We wait patiently for the next best thing and the next day we open our eyes, we are a year older again! 

I am turning 28 in a few days. I won't pretend that I like adding a year to my age as quickly as it happens these days. Unlike men, our age tells a lot about us - our ability to conceive a child, should we want one, slows down with age, hence the unconscious rush to marry for fear of losing in the dating pool. Even single, career-oriented women who choose to fight against the social expectations around marriage are not given fair promotions at work simply because their superiors assume that they will quit the workforce after getting married and/or bearing a child. Humans designed a world that revolves around men and the women are supporting characters. Of course, my peers and all the progressive women in the 21st century will not be having any of these gender bias anymore. Although admittedly, no matter how much I condition my brain, my age really has a lot to do with the rest of my future, unless my nagging father financially supports the preservation of my precious young egg cells and pay the annual storage fees until I choose to use them. /end of rant.

People for All Seasons

"You have to accept that some people are not made for deep conversations, or for holding you together when you’re about to fall apart, or for keeping you from unzipping your skin, or for talking you out of suicide, or to love you through the worst moments of your life. Some people are made for shallow exchanges, and ridiculous banter, and nothing more. And that’s okay. That doesn’t make them horrible people because they simply aren’t able to handle a storm like you. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you won’t divulge all the gritty details of your horror show. It makes you smart. You have to accept that there will be people that cannot give what you need. It doesn’t mean they are not worth keeping in your life. You just have to figure out who these ones are before you’re disappointed. And you have to keep them at arm’s length. You cannot expect everyone in your life to understand, to be nonjudgmental, to get it. But that’s okay, because not everyone was made to impart wisdom, or wax-poetic, or speak on politics and the depravity of society, or discuss how crucial it is that the stigma of mental illness be abolished. There are times when you have to get away from all that heaviness. You have to. And you will need superficial conversation about Kim Kardashian’s arse, or a debate on the color of The Dress. You will need those ones. So don’t go round cutting people off and dropping your friends. You need people for all your seasons. You need people or you won’t survive this.” 

Day 5: A song to match my mood

This is a song that speaks volume about my depression and anxiety and how I'm going on all fours to fight it every single day. I mean, the lyrics didn't even try to be subtle: "GET YOURSELF TOGETHER" I know! 

It's much more difficult to have depression and anxiety when you're older because adulthood doesn't give you a chance to sulk up and cry in a corner because you got bills to pay. It's hard when you don't want to get out of bed but you have to because no one will tend to your needs. Yes, I have Jay but he's also dealing with his own adult obligations so I'd rather not let him carry my entirety. So to all adults suffering this crisis we're all in this together! It may seem like a never-ending tunnel, but it's just a phase. Let's get out of it. Pay the bills and carry on juskoooooo 

"You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight. These tears are going nowhere....

And you are such a fool to worry like you do. 

I know it's tough and you can never get enough of what you don't really need now...

You've got to get yourself together. You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it"

2016: A Cautionary Tale

My life has quite a number of memorable years. There was 2009 when I battled a long and agonizing depression so painful that it became one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. There was also 2012 when I passed the licensure boards -- the year when my hardships have finally started gaining recognition. 2014 is also on the list being it was the year when I grew balls of courage. And then of course, 2016.

2016 was extraordinarily overwhelming in all ways. Political turmoils here and there, wars, earthquakes, deaths and other disasters, and the internet made sure that we see it unfold before our very eyes. It was tremendously exhausting to witness everything and be able to do nothing about it. It's always good to stay informed and not be an ignorant citizen of this planet but 2016 made me want to pause, throw my phone and just escape from the civilization. 

Above everything, this year was heaving with personal endeavours that stretched all my emotional limits. There were so many blessings to be thankful for, mainly for my master’s degree and for the PhD opportunity that I was granted all in a single year. The scholar in me is very pleased with all the accomplishments and with the very exciting future ahead. It was all that I wanted from the very start: be a doctor then pursue research. These are wonderful blessings that sadly came with a price -- my physical, emotional and mental health.

The rigorous and demanding work culture that I had to endure in Korea caused my health to deteriorate. 14 hours of daily work for two years and a total of 21 vacation leaves, and for all those vacations, I had to work tirelessly til past midnight prior to leaving and I had to report to work as soon as the plane landed. During the final year of my masters program, I was in and out of the doctor's office almost every month until my graduation for infections that my body should have fought had it been healthier.

In February of 2016, I went back home to Philippines with a firm goal to do my phD in Australia so that Jay and I can pursue our international research career together. Jay, given his powerful passport, obtained a visa to work in Australia without batting an eyelash while I struggled my way to enter Australia. It was study or nothing for a young, inexperienced Filipino who doesn't have enough qualifications to migrate in a first world country. Hence, all the seemingly endless and heightened anxieties in my head. It was a very long and stressful process -- sending numerous applications, being rejected, completing endless paperwork, requesting school documents from two countries, and all the stressful deadlines. All the waiting and worrying hurt so much because there were so much at stake -- my dream and my love were both waiting for me at the end of the tunnel but I couldn't get through. I was under severe stress and anxiety for five months; almost half a year of missed meals, sleepless nights and physical inactivity sure placed my life in a limbo. In July, my visa got approved and I moved to the Land Down Under.

Six months since I moved to Australia, I thought I'll be fine by now but I'm not. I still suffer from anxiety, triggered by almost every minor instability and problem that I encounter. I once went to the nurse because my skin got pierced by a needle, fearing an infection. I used to stay awake til 3AM, searching about cancer because I felt a tinge of pain in my stomach that lasted for only 3 seconds. I got depressed from every pimple that I got. Missing receipts and unpaid bills stressed me out. In a nutshell, I was agitated from anything that got out of my control. Unhealthy, I know.

It's now 2017 and I'm very much determine to turn a new page in my life. I'm trying to let go of all my emotional burdens, and release the stress that had dragged me down in the last two years. Looking back, I can't help but feel terrified with what stress had done to myself, hence it gave me the motivation to overcome it once and for all. I recently cut my coffee intake from five cups a day (five!!) to one and switched to tea instead. I started exploring new hobbies. I walk more, sleep more and work less all for the hope that I'll get the healthier and more stable self that I once had.

This is my life in a time of weakness, written in less than 1000 words. May this serve as a cautionary tale for people who refuse to take a break. People tend to give up everything that we have for that one thing that we want, and in the end it's all we have. It shouldn't be that way. Please spend time with your loved ones, breathe some fresh air and remember that everything will be okay. I wish you well this year and in the next years to come.

Stuck in a moment

But darling look at you, you gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight. These tears are going nowhere baby. You got to get yourself together. You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it. Don't say that later will be better. You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it. 

For the past few years, I allowed myself to succumb to anxiety and panics that were brought by the dreaded quarter-life. One moment I was trying to enjoy, travel and meet new friends then suddenly, quarter-life crisis shook my entire life. Challenges are now beyond my abilities and people’s expectations became higher than the dreams I set myself upon. So as a competitive person, I got absorbed in reaching my future goals and laying the groundwork for my life plans. I worked, planned and planned ahead -- way ahead of my life’s vision. I wasted days and nights sweating the small stuff and fearing things that might not even happen. I lost my nerves for every single thing that didn’t turn out as planned. I was terrified that all these small things will reverberate to the big plan. I stopped watching new movies because I couldn’t connect with the story anymore since my brain keeps on going back to my life thoughts. I couldn’t even finish one movie without being distracted by my phone. I also stopped entertaining myself through music or better-said music doesn’t entertain me anymore. I shut myself out from the world, rejecting all travel plans and parties with friends for fear of losing focus on my goals. I deferred any form of gratification such that in my head I always thought, “Nah I’ll do that after graduation. Or after I got accepted. Or after my application got approved.”

November 11, 2016. I graduated, got accepted in the phD, and my 5-yr stay in Australia has long been approved, but I’m still not doing the things that I said I would do. I’m here in another country, with more freedom than I ever had, but I still curl up in my bed watching How I Met Your Mother and Friends all weekend. I have more time after work but I use it to sleep early. I keep on saying that life in Australia is painfully dull and boring, and to some extent it’s true, but I think my tendency to delay gratification is the main reason why I have a very uneventful life. I always wait for a better, next time.

It’s incredibly sad to see my life like this. Maybe this is what happens when a person fails to manage his thirst to reach his goals. Now I don’t know how to focus and finish a good movie anymore. I don’t even know how to have fun. And sadly, I have no idea how to turn my life around and make it more exciting and fulfilling, but for now, I’ll start by listening to music once again.

The End of the Line.

After twenty months and eight seasons in the land of kimchi, my time here in Korea is almost over. I have three weeks prior my GRE exam, six weeks prior to my defense,  and eight weeks before I get my new passport so I can travel again. From there, I have to face the million dollar question that is Where to? 

But before deciding my next step, it is highly fitting to look back on one of the best decisions of my life.  This is one of my greatest feat in life. You see, two years ago, I was a whiny employee who hates every single day of the week that isn't Saturday, Sunday or a holiday. I hated my job. I always thought that I was too good for that company and that I wasn't a fit in an environment that does not encourage class and etiquette. I worked in a company where my father was once a top boss and I hated living under his shadow. I had all the excuses. I was too proud of myself. I knew that something was wrong with me and that I needed a change. 

The opportunity to study in Korea came just in time but nevertheless, it wasn't an easy decision to make. I had to persuade my parents to let go of their daughter. It was difficult for me to pause my career clock because I know years of experience matters a lot in my field. Two months prior leaving, I was still going to job interviews and job hunting because I wanted to know if this is the right decision for me. But like they said, you just know when you found the one. So I trusted that gut feeling, grew some woman balls and took that plane to Korea. The rest, my friends, is a long and wonderful journey.

I was able to send myself to grad school in a good engineering university without any financial support from my parents. I survived a country that speaks a different language and I learned the language! I met a lot of people -- great people, if I may add -- and these people opened my eyes to the world. And most importantly, I learned a lot of life lessons. I finally have my own story. The great adventure of Heidy. The girl who grew a set of balls. The girl who followed her guts. The girl who fell in love in a foreign land. Yes, I fell in love with a Korean man. But that is another long story for another post (It's going to be legen- wait for it!)

But it's now time to go. I have to decide on whether I go home, find my luck here, or go forward to the direction of my original dream. My life is in a limbo right now. I haven't seen any opportunities either here, home, or in another country. Zero. I'm just moving through my days with faith, hoping that God will show me the way. Add the anxiety that decision-making at 24 is not as easy when I was 22. I'm not getting any younger. I can't just blindly follow my passion. Adult responsibilities are tailing me and I can't escape it anymore. I have to consider my career. I have to consider the near future of settling down and the stable career that I need to sustain a family. I have to consider my gifts and talents that will fuel my determination to succeed in life. I have to go somewhere that will add more value to my life.

But God has a plan. He has a better plan. Everything will be alright.... everything will be alright....
I'll see you at my next starting line.

Daydreaming

"Baby, do you know the 10-year rule?", he asked out of nowhere.

"Nope. What's that?"

"If we ever break up after graduation, you can only date a new guy after ten years."

"Then, to be fair, don't get a girlfriend for the next ten years as well.", I joked in return.

"I'll be 38 by then."

"And I'll be 35. But I'm sure I'll look 30 because I'm using eye creams religiously. I'm gonna be a cougar."

"And I wont look like a day over 35 because I'll use the sunblock that we bought today for the next ten years.", he said as we laughed together.

"Wanna date me again in 2026?", I added.

And he gave me the most hopeful smile I've ever seen.

A Different Kind of Happy

The other day I was talking to a friend about the sad side of living away from home. I told him my sentiments. Lately my siblings are always sending me messages saying they miss me a lot. My friends are being more awesome than ever because they are always with me during my meltdowns despite the distance. They listen to my random stories and we joke on each other and they make me feel as if I never left. I loved them more when I went away. Everybody knows that my friends and family are my rock. Now that I am away from them, I feel the separation anxiety and it’s difficult for me to be happy. 

But as my friend said, there are other kinds of happiness. A fulfilling career, the joy of learning, travelling to new places, meeting new people, gaining new friends – it can bring happiness to a person. It just happened that my happiness depended on people and now that I am far from them, my focus shifted and got blurred. But yes, he’s right. I can still be happy. 

I have to find different kinds of happiness on every corner of my new life. To fill the jar of happiness with memories, new experiences, fulfillments, peace of mind, life realizations, appreciations and lessons and to take it with me wherever I go. So when it’s time for me to come back home, my happiness jar will be overflowing that I have to share it with other people.

Quick Post!

Hello from the dead! I know I haven't been blogging decently for ages already. I just started working (first job!) last February hence the big adjustment. Plus, my life is shifting to directions that I am finding hard to control. Hay, growing up. Y u so hard.

Anyway, just some pics to keep this updated.

Eric, Bij, Yna and Carlo. Super clingy friends! Been hanging out with them a lot since January! 

Welcome to the Catholic world, Seph! Haha.

Spent the Maundy Thursday watching movies at Vin's place. Happy Holy Week from us. Haha.

Some girl bonding over their summer break. Happy graduation, Deb!

Yep that's it. My life's pretty boring and uneventful lately. Maybe because I'm still adjusting? Or I just don't want to try something new? Haha. Damn it. Laters, bye! 

Advance Happy Birthday.

Mischief Managed.

Ten years ago, I had a crush on my cute grade school classmate who reads a book every recess and lunch. I wanted to be close to him so I asked what's so good about the book he's engrossed with. So I asked my mom to buy it for me; heck she was so skeptic if I would ever read it because I have never read a single book prior to that. So was I. I wondered, how long does it take to finish a 300-page book? Isn't it boring? But I read  it right away when we went home. I remember finishing it in less than three days. And then I was a fan. 

The book? It's Harry Potter. 

I never thought I'd discover the joy of reading books -- until HP happened. Whenever there's a new installment coming up, I would patiently wait for the softbound edition and tolerate spoilers from the fans who afforded the hardbound copies. And when I finally got my copy, I would be shunned from everyone and have a world of my own in my room.. totally engrossed to the book.

"There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them."

And every year, I'd always feel skeptic if the movie could live up to its book. Before the eight movie, Warner Bros gave me more disappointments than satisfactions with their HP adaptations. (Lesson: Don't judge a book by its movie.) Either there are so many cuts, or it's not executed well... or both. But expect the unexpected. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II is as satisfying, entertaining and magical as it could ever be. I don't know about others, but I think Harry Potter got the ending that it deserved.

"Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy."

Hmmm.. It all ends here, right? Done and gone were all the looking-forward-days because there's nothing up next anymore for Harry Potter. Honestly, it's a bittersweet and happysad feeling. (One comforting thought: You can move on to Hunger Games and Game of Thrones, Heidy). Sigh. A big chunk of my childhood closed its chapter on me. 

“The stories we love best do live in us forever, so whether you come back by page or by the big screen, hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home" — J.K. Rowling

So long, Harry Potter. It was a magical ride. 

Happysad

Top: First Harry Potter photo-call in 2001.
Bottom: Half-Blood Prince cast portraits

They can date anybody, screw their lives, do drugs, or get married. I will always love this trio no matter what. I don't think I'm ready yet to see Harry, Ron and Hermione for the last time on July 2011.