I am HD

This is Deb, my best friend since 2003. Deb and I have come a long way from exchanging notes in class, solving Math problems, telebabad, to boyfriends (hers, she was always the one with a boyfriend haha), heartbreaks (hers and mine) and now to adulthood and family. She is now a loving wife and mother of two beautiful girls. I've always known that being a mother is a noble task but it's only now, through Deb, that I'm seeing the entirety of motherhood, from the happy big picture to the minute messy and frustrating details of it. I once heard that "You won't know love until you become a mother" and that proves true whenever I see Deb raising her kids with selfless love and utmost care and patience. We couldn't be prouder. 

My other best friends, Ghel and Eric, are doing well in life too. Oh, sorry, I meant Atty. Angelique Mendoza is going rather great, thank you very much. That lawyer friend of mine suffered from a terrible heartbreak before her birthday and got back on her feet, well and pretty by Christmas. How? No idea, let's all ask her. Eric, on the other hand, recently weathered a storm of job interviews and rejections in search for his passion. It's a grand quest that millenials always admire, akin to a Hollywood movie. But Eric did more than that. It takes a great deal of perseverance to follow our passion, but just as much to fulfill our commitments to a job that drains our spirit but pays the bills anyway. Every single day, Eric showed up to work professionally and brought his share of food to the table like a very responsible adult. Now, he's found a new job and, on his free time, he volunteers in a non-profit organization. 

It's been a pleasure growing up with these people. I have lived in three countries and met new friends but I don't think I'll ever find someone like them. When you find someone who cares about how your eyebrows look on a daily basis, you should never let them go. Haha. 

August 4, 2017. I was very exhausted. Work demands, mental health issues, and relationship challenges have taken a toll on me. I flew out to the States hoping for a sweet escape, some rest, and time to write my blog. So upon arrival, I rushed to my accommodation, pulled up the shades and saw this Upper Manhattan view then suddenly, all my problems were forgotten. Well hello, New York City!                                                                                                                                          

***** 

A few months back, my supervisor urged me to submit an abstract for a conference in New York. While I was glad that my abstract was accepted, every researcher knows that it takes months of rigorous laboratory work to pull off 15 slides worth of a scientific presentation. It was not a problem if working hard is the only thing that I had to do. Unfortunately, it was also during those months that my personal life has become a mess. Jay and I got into an almost endless bureaucracy that has already cost us five figures (in dollars) and innumerable stressful days and nights. I felt very helpless to see both of us falling apart in a country where we only have each other - no friends, no family. On so many nights, we talked about throwing the towel and cutting our losses. That we just pack our bags and go back home. That we stop forcing ourselves to fit into the very high standards of this country when he has a first world country to go back to anyway. No words can explain how painful it was for me because just barely a year ago, I was crying, wishing and praying on bended knees for this PhD and now I might have to give it all up. 

The bureaucracy, work, and bills pushed us to the brink of our (my) sanity. I went to counseling and leaned on good people to seek encouragement and stay afloat. With their help, I managed to show up to work, albeit looking very tired and disheveled, and gave my best as if my personal issues did not affect my ability to be a scientist. I pushed my stressed mind to publish. To write and revise manuscripts. I worked tirelessly on the biggest academic hurdle of my PhD. Two days prior to my New York trip, an academic panel was still grilling me with questions as they decided on whether to confirm or reject me into the PhD program of The University of Queensland. I passed. I gathered my documents, packed my bags and flew to face another challenge that awaited me at the other side of the world.

***** 

It is no secret that my lifelong dreams are deeply aligned with educational achievements. My parents may not have afforded to send me to an Ivy League institution and I'm fine with that but I will still pass this dream to my future kids and to their kids until someone in the family finally gets an Ivy League degree. Haha. So imagine my happiness when I got the opportunity to present my work at Columbia University, no less.

My presentation was bombarded with so many questions that, even the audience thought, were harsh for a one-year-old research. But you know, they could have grilled me for one day and I wouldn’t care less. Never in my three years in research have I been that calm, collected and spontaneous in speaking about my work. Never have I had people approaching me, asking more about my work, offering collaborations, and requesting copies of my presentation. 

Later at the gala dinner, I was sipping my champagne and looking at the Manhattan skyline aboard the Liberty Belle when a woman walked towards me. She said smiling, “I just want you to know that you did a great job in your presentation. I thought they were tough, but you were tougher."

***** 

And that’s how I will remember my New York trip. Frank Sinatra was not lying when he said, “If I can make it here, I’ll make it anywhere” because that was how New York made me feel. In the midst of nagging thoughts, regrets, homesickness and life questions, this glorious city celebrated my efforts for what it's worth, gave me a tap on the back, reminded me why I am still here thriving, and assured me that I will make it. So thank you, NYC. I really needed that.