Stuck in a moment

But darling look at you, you gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight. These tears are going nowhere baby. You got to get yourself together. You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it. Don't say that later will be better. You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it. 

For the past few years, I allowed myself to succumb to anxiety and panics that were brought by the dreaded quarter-life. One moment I was trying to enjoy, travel and meet new friends then suddenly, quarter-life crisis shook my entire life. Challenges are now beyond my abilities and people’s expectations became higher than the dreams I set myself upon. So as a competitive person, I got absorbed in reaching my future goals and laying the groundwork for my life plans. I worked, planned and planned ahead -- way ahead of my life’s vision. I wasted days and nights sweating the small stuff and fearing things that might not even happen. I lost my nerves for every single thing that didn’t turn out as planned. I was terrified that all these small things will reverberate to the big plan. I stopped watching new movies because I couldn’t connect with the story anymore since my brain keeps on going back to my life thoughts. I couldn’t even finish one movie without being distracted by my phone. I also stopped entertaining myself through music or better-said music doesn’t entertain me anymore. I shut myself out from the world, rejecting all travel plans and parties with friends for fear of losing focus on my goals. I deferred any form of gratification such that in my head I always thought, “Nah I’ll do that after graduation. Or after I got accepted. Or after my application got approved.”

November 11, 2016. I graduated, got accepted in the phD, and my 5-yr stay in Australia has long been approved, but I’m still not doing the things that I said I would do. I’m here in another country, with more freedom than I ever had, but I still curl up in my bed watching How I Met Your Mother and Friends all weekend. I have more time after work but I use it to sleep early. I keep on saying that life in Australia is painfully dull and boring, and to some extent it’s true, but I think my tendency to delay gratification is the main reason why I have a very uneventful life. I always wait for a better, next time.

It’s incredibly sad to see my life like this. Maybe this is what happens when a person fails to manage his thirst to reach his goals. Now I don’t know how to focus and finish a good movie anymore. I don’t even know how to have fun. And sadly, I have no idea how to turn my life around and make it more exciting and fulfilling, but for now, I’ll start by listening to music once again.

Dealing with closed doors

“Somethings worth having defy logic. They come with obstacles, challenges, battles and long periods of wandering in the dark. Your path won't make sense to your family or friends. People will weigh in with their life rules and fears, but in the end it is your life. That pull you feel is real and often your intuition. It nags at you everyday. Follow it for as far as it takes you because life is too short to dwell on indecision, while you forget to live. Take a chance because if you have a good heart God isn't going to abandon you. He will travel wherever you need to go, in order to find the missing pieces of your soul.” ―                                                                                                                   Shannon L. Alder

2016 was a one hell of a ride: achieving my lifelong dream of getting an overseas postgrad degree, being with the love of my life and all the separations and challenges in between, and embarking on fulfilling another lifelong dream. I started the year from the north of the world and I'm ending it here down under in Australia where I was accepted in one of its institutions under a full-scholarship phD program. Yes, the phD, my next starting line. The phD opportunity was not granted without trials and tribulations, in fact I can still remember all the sleepless nights and tearful prayers during my application. The summer of this year was a whirlwind of emotional stress, anxiety and desperation as I clung to fate and sheer luck. Fast forward to November, I am now four months into my program achieving reasonable progress and trying to contribute to the institution that made my dream possible. 

Having said, this is my most important take-home in 2016: Let go and let God. Looking at how things turned in my life this year, I am sure that I did not get here on my own. Not on my might, not on my own abilities. I was rejected more than once, and just when I was about to lose hope God turned things around in my favor and opened doors for me just at the nick of time. If that wasn't a miracle, then I don't know what is. 

Having said, this is my takehome lesson from 2016: believe in Him. Even when life gets hard, when things are not in your favor, or even when life seemed to have closed all its doors for you. Even then, especially then, you should never stop believing in the miracle of the Lord. So let's hang in there and finish the year strong. God bless you. 

The End of the Line.

After twenty months and eight seasons in the land of kimchi, my time here in Korea is almost over. I have three weeks prior my GRE exam, six weeks prior to my defense,  and eight weeks before I get my new passport so I can travel again. From there, I have to face the million dollar question that is Where to? 

But before deciding my next step, it is highly fitting to look back on one of the best decisions of my life.  This is one of my greatest feat in life. You see, two years ago, I was a whiny employee who hates every single day of the week that isn't Saturday, Sunday or a holiday. I hated my job. I always thought that I was too good for that company and that I wasn't a fit in an environment that does not encourage class and etiquette. I worked in a company where my father was once a top boss and I hated living under his shadow. I had all the excuses. I was too proud of myself. I knew that something was wrong with me and that I needed a change. 

The opportunity to study in Korea came just in time but nevertheless, it wasn't an easy decision to make. I had to persuade my parents to let go of their daughter. It was difficult for me to pause my career clock because I know years of experience matters a lot in my field. Two months prior leaving, I was still going to job interviews and job hunting because I wanted to know if this is the right decision for me. But like they said, you just know when you found the one. So I trusted that gut feeling, grew some woman balls and took that plane to Korea. The rest, my friends, is a long and wonderful journey.

I was able to send myself to grad school in a good engineering university without any financial support from my parents. I survived a country that speaks a different language and I learned the language! I met a lot of people -- great people, if I may add -- and these people opened my eyes to the world. And most importantly, I learned a lot of life lessons. I finally have my own story. The great adventure of Heidy. The girl who grew a set of balls. The girl who followed her guts. The girl who fell in love in a foreign land. Yes, I fell in love with a Korean man. But that is another long story for another post (It's going to be legen- wait for it!)

But it's now time to go. I have to decide on whether I go home, find my luck here, or go forward to the direction of my original dream. My life is in a limbo right now. I haven't seen any opportunities either here, home, or in another country. Zero. I'm just moving through my days with faith, hoping that God will show me the way. Add the anxiety that decision-making at 24 is not as easy when I was 22. I'm not getting any younger. I can't just blindly follow my passion. Adult responsibilities are tailing me and I can't escape it anymore. I have to consider my career. I have to consider the near future of settling down and the stable career that I need to sustain a family. I have to consider my gifts and talents that will fuel my determination to succeed in life. I have to go somewhere that will add more value to my life.

But God has a plan. He has a better plan. Everything will be alright.... everything will be alright....
I'll see you at my next starting line.

Daydreaming

"Baby, do you know the 10-year rule?", he asked out of nowhere.

"Nope. What's that?"

"If we ever break up after graduation, you can only date a new guy after ten years."

"Then, to be fair, don't get a girlfriend for the next ten years as well.", I joked in return.

"I'll be 38 by then."

"And I'll be 35. But I'm sure I'll look 30 because I'm using eye creams religiously. I'm gonna be a cougar."

"And I wont look like a day over 35 because I'll use the sunblock that we bought today for the next ten years.", he said as we laughed together.

"Wanna date me again in 2026?", I added.

And he gave me the most hopeful smile I've ever seen.

To my 20-year old self:

I just want to tell you something.

One day you will meet someone that will change your life. You will begin with a beautiful friendship which will start from "really you like that? Me too!" to questions like "Where have you been all my life?" The two of you will share this undeniable connection -- something that you won't find with someone else. This man will be one of the kindest man you'll ever meet. Heck even grandmothers and grandfathers love him. And for that, he will earn your respect.

It will be a wonderful friendship, Heidy, and you will try to keep it for as long as you can.

And then, the two of you will fall in love.

And boy it will be a burning, passionate, head-over-heels kind of love.

Your thoughts on life will change. Maybe, after all these years of denial, just maybe soulmates are actually true. Because you will feel it. That insane connection. That click chemistry. He will be your bestfriend, confidante, joker and lover. You can talk about everything from something stupid like Monalisa's eyebrows, to movies, to science theories, to career, to life. With this man, you are sure. You have peace. You know you'll never get another love like this.

He will tell you beautiful things like how he likes your humor. How you think. How pretty you are. It sounds cheesy but you will believe it because it's in his eyes. He will adore you. Appreciate you. He will love you the way you wanted to be loved. That kind, gentle, respectful, patient, and understanding kind of love that you have imagined before will be given to you by this man.

But, honey, let me tell you that just like all relationships, this course of love will never run smooth. You will be faced with a huge reality that will test your relationship. And as much as I want to tell you the ending, I also don't know how to work it out. Only time will tell.

But I just want you to know that no matter how impossible, crazy, and difficult the situation is, please say yes to this man when you finally meet him. Accept his love. Because this will be one of the best decisions of your life. Don't just settle with an average man, honey. I know you've been waiting too long. But this man is on his way to you.