Day 1: 10 facts about me

Hello, I'm Heidy. I'm a 26 year- old researcher currently residing in Queensland, Australia. As you can see in my previous posts, I've been overwhelmed by deep thoughts and quarter-life drama but that's not how I used to be. I decided to go back to regular blogging in the hopes of bringing back my thoughts to shallow shores so I can enjoy mundane things around me.  

10 I-hope-they-are-interesting facts about me:

1. I love my job! I'm taking up a research-based phD that does not involve any coursework or any form of examinations so just pure research! I love delving into unknown areas of science, armed with a goal to make the world a better place. I know it sounds cheesy and highly ideal but (who cares! and why not!?) I'll keep this passion with me for as long as I can. 

2. I speak three languages. English, Tagalog and terrible Korean. My Korean is still abysmal, with the intonation of someone from the far-flung areas of the peninsula (maybe North?) with bad grammar but enough to hold a normal conversation with the locals for hopefully thirty minutes. 

3. I'm a slave of Korean dramas! Because they are so addicting, and I need to improve my Korean skills. Haha.

4. My boyfriend is Korean. And I'll tell you more about him soon! 

5. I avoid the sun like a plague. Ironic from someone who was raised in the tropics, yeah. But I grew up with the stigma of tanning and dark skin, and skin cancer fears. Plus Australia gets the harshest sun rays with its UV index going up to 17, and sometimes 20 every summer! Yikes. 

6. I don't like summer. That's it. I hate the heat, and having to bring umbrella rain or shine. I don't even know why I'm here in Queensland haha. 

7. Not a fan of sweets. I used to be a chocolate addict until I got allergic to it 5 years ago. I was once a fan of cakes and pastries but not until I decided to lose weight and watch my diet. Now I don't watch my diet nor count calories but I still can't even finish a slice of cake. It's been four years since I lost that loving feeling.... 

8. I am constantly distracted. Aren't we all? Damn you, smartphone. 

9. I am distraction personified. I have a few friendly colleagues at work who always try to make small talks when we see each other, but I don't do small talks so it always ends up in a lengthy conversation. Whenever that happens, I feel bad that I distracted them for a long time from their work so I try not to do that every day so they won't avoid me haha. 

10. I'm still crossing off my old bucket list. I wrote it seven years ago. What desires do you expect from a nineteen-year-old before she kicks the bucket? Things like, to see Piolo Pascual in person, watch a live concert, I even wrote something as random as owning MAC lipsticks. Gosh I must have been very poor back then. Haha. Nevertheless, I still slowly cross things off because it feels like I'm doing a favor to my younger self. 

Day 0: The blog's 10th year anniversary!

Visiting this old blog always gives me the feeling of nostalgia (already!?). I started writing a few posts in Multiply (now defunct) back in 2007 when blogging enjoyed a good yet not so hyped limelight. I also tested the waters of Wordpress and Tumblr, then eventually settled in Blogger. Back then, blogging was primarily used as a friendly online journal where people share their lives. I remember it as something very simple, harmless and innocent as if we're all friends talking about our lives and sharing insights to each other. Blogging in 2017 is totally different. Most blogs are being run as a money maker in exchange for posting sponsored outfits, trips and reviews. Some blogs are sadly being used for defamation and don't make me go there just because. Amidst the tough social media competition, how Blogger managed to stay afloat is beyond me. With all these changes for the last 10 years, I'm just glad that my blog has survived the test of time. Haha. 

As part of my efforts in trying to be in the moment and to ease my anxiety, I am starting another 30-day blogging challenge. I did the same thing six years ago (damn that was six years ago!) and I remember enjoying it! So excited! 

Day 0: The 30 Day Challenge Explanation and Description

Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts

Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name

Day 3: Your first love

Day 4: Your parents

Day 5: A song to match your mood

Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy

Day 7: Hobbies

Day 8: A place you've traveled to

Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend

Day 10: Something you're afraid of

Day 11: Favorite tv shows

Day 12: Favorite Movies

Day 13: Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

Day 14: A picture of you last year - how have you changed?

Day 15: Bible verse

Day 16: Dream house

Day 17: Something you're looking forward to

Day 18: Favorite Place to Eat

Day 19: Something you miss

Day 20: Plans/dreams/goals you have

Day 21: Sweet Memory of your past

Day 22: What's in your purse?

Day 23: Something you don't leave the house without

Day 24: Something you've learned

Day 25: Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs

Day 26: Your Dream Wedding

Day 27: Favorite youtube videos

Day 28: Something that stresses you out

Day 29: 3 Wishes

Day 30: a picture of yourself today and 5 good things that happened since you started the challenge

2016: A Cautionary Tale

My life has quite a number of memorable years. There was 2009 when I battled a long and agonizing depression so painful that it became one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. There was also 2012 when I passed the licensure boards -- the year when my hardships have finally started gaining recognition. 2014 is also on the list being it was the year when I grew balls of courage. And then of course, 2016.

2016 was extraordinarily overwhelming in all ways. Political turmoils here and there, wars, earthquakes, deaths and other disasters, and the internet made sure that we see it unfold before our very eyes. It was tremendously exhausting to witness everything and be able to do nothing about it. It's always good to stay informed and not be an ignorant citizen of this planet but 2016 made me want to pause, throw my phone and just escape from the civilization. 

Above everything, this year was heaving with personal endeavours that stretched all my emotional limits. There were so many blessings to be thankful for, mainly for my master’s degree and for the PhD opportunity that I was granted all in a single year. The scholar in me is very pleased with all the accomplishments and with the very exciting future ahead. It was all that I wanted from the very start: be a doctor then pursue research. These are wonderful blessings that sadly came with a price -- my physical, emotional and mental health.

The rigorous and demanding work culture that I had to endure in Korea caused my health to deteriorate. 14 hours of daily work for two years and a total of 21 vacation leaves, and for all those vacations, I had to work tirelessly til past midnight prior to leaving and I had to report to work as soon as the plane landed. During the final year of my masters program, I was in and out of the doctor's office almost every month until my graduation for infections that my body should have fought had it been healthier.

In February of 2016, I went back home to Philippines with a firm goal to do my phD in Australia so that Jay and I can pursue our international research career together. Jay, given his powerful passport, obtained a visa to work in Australia without batting an eyelash while I struggled my way to enter Australia. It was study or nothing for a young, inexperienced Filipino who doesn't have enough qualifications to migrate in a first world country. Hence, all the seemingly endless and heightened anxieties in my head. It was a very long and stressful process -- sending numerous applications, being rejected, completing endless paperwork, requesting school documents from two countries, and all the stressful deadlines. All the waiting and worrying hurt so much because there were so much at stake -- my dream and my love were both waiting for me at the end of the tunnel but I couldn't get through. I was under severe stress and anxiety for five months; almost half a year of missed meals, sleepless nights and physical inactivity sure placed my life in a limbo. In July, my visa got approved and I moved to the Land Down Under.

Six months since I moved to Australia, I thought I'll be fine by now but I'm not. I still suffer from anxiety, triggered by almost every minor instability and problem that I encounter. I once went to the nurse because my skin got pierced by a needle, fearing an infection. I used to stay awake til 3AM, searching about cancer because I felt a tinge of pain in my stomach that lasted for only 3 seconds. I got depressed from every pimple that I got. Missing receipts and unpaid bills stressed me out. In a nutshell, I was agitated from anything that got out of my control. Unhealthy, I know.

It's now 2017 and I'm very much determine to turn a new page in my life. I'm trying to let go of all my emotional burdens, and release the stress that had dragged me down in the last two years. Looking back, I can't help but feel terrified with what stress had done to myself, hence it gave me the motivation to overcome it once and for all. I recently cut my coffee intake from five cups a day (five!!) to one and switched to tea instead. I started exploring new hobbies. I walk more, sleep more and work less all for the hope that I'll get the healthier and more stable self that I once had.

This is my life in a time of weakness, written in less than 1000 words. May this serve as a cautionary tale for people who refuse to take a break. People tend to give up everything that we have for that one thing that we want, and in the end it's all we have. It shouldn't be that way. Please spend time with your loved ones, breathe some fresh air and remember that everything will be okay. I wish you well this year and in the next years to come.

Stuck in a moment

But darling look at you, you gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight. These tears are going nowhere baby. You got to get yourself together. You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it. Don't say that later will be better. You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it. 

For the past few years, I allowed myself to succumb to anxiety and panics that were brought by the dreaded quarter-life. One moment I was trying to enjoy, travel and meet new friends then suddenly, quarter-life crisis shook my entire life. Challenges are now beyond my abilities and people’s expectations became higher than the dreams I set myself upon. So as a competitive person, I got absorbed in reaching my future goals and laying the groundwork for my life plans. I worked, planned and planned ahead -- way ahead of my life’s vision. I wasted days and nights sweating the small stuff and fearing things that might not even happen. I lost my nerves for every single thing that didn’t turn out as planned. I was terrified that all these small things will reverberate to the big plan. I stopped watching new movies because I couldn’t connect with the story anymore since my brain keeps on going back to my life thoughts. I couldn’t even finish one movie without being distracted by my phone. I also stopped entertaining myself through music or better-said music doesn’t entertain me anymore. I shut myself out from the world, rejecting all travel plans and parties with friends for fear of losing focus on my goals. I deferred any form of gratification such that in my head I always thought, “Nah I’ll do that after graduation. Or after I got accepted. Or after my application got approved.”

November 11, 2016. I graduated, got accepted in the phD, and my 5-yr stay in Australia has long been approved, but I’m still not doing the things that I said I would do. I’m here in another country, with more freedom than I ever had, but I still curl up in my bed watching How I Met Your Mother and Friends all weekend. I have more time after work but I use it to sleep early. I keep on saying that life in Australia is painfully dull and boring, and to some extent it’s true, but I think my tendency to delay gratification is the main reason why I have a very uneventful life. I always wait for a better, next time.

It’s incredibly sad to see my life like this. Maybe this is what happens when a person fails to manage his thirst to reach his goals. Now I don’t know how to focus and finish a good movie anymore. I don’t even know how to have fun. And sadly, I have no idea how to turn my life around and make it more exciting and fulfilling, but for now, I’ll start by listening to music once again.

Dealing with closed doors

“Somethings worth having defy logic. They come with obstacles, challenges, battles and long periods of wandering in the dark. Your path won't make sense to your family or friends. People will weigh in with their life rules and fears, but in the end it is your life. That pull you feel is real and often your intuition. It nags at you everyday. Follow it for as far as it takes you because life is too short to dwell on indecision, while you forget to live. Take a chance because if you have a good heart God isn't going to abandon you. He will travel wherever you need to go, in order to find the missing pieces of your soul.” ―                                                                                                                   Shannon L. Alder

2016 was a one hell of a ride: achieving my lifelong dream of getting an overseas postgrad degree, being with the love of my life and all the separations and challenges in between, and embarking on fulfilling another lifelong dream. I started the year from the north of the world and I'm ending it here down under in Australia where I was accepted in one of its institutions under a full-scholarship phD program. Yes, the phD, my next starting line. The phD opportunity was not granted without trials and tribulations, in fact I can still remember all the sleepless nights and tearful prayers during my application. The summer of this year was a whirlwind of emotional stress, anxiety and desperation as I clung to fate and sheer luck. Fast forward to November, I am now four months into my program achieving reasonable progress and trying to contribute to the institution that made my dream possible. 

Having said, this is my most important take-home in 2016: Let go and let God. Looking at how things turned in my life this year, I am sure that I did not get here on my own. Not on my might, not on my own abilities. I was rejected more than once, and just when I was about to lose hope God turned things around in my favor and opened doors for me just at the nick of time. If that wasn't a miracle, then I don't know what is. 

Having said, this is my takehome lesson from 2016: believe in Him. Even when life gets hard, when things are not in your favor, or even when life seemed to have closed all its doors for you. Even then, especially then, you should never stop believing in the miracle of the Lord. So let's hang in there and finish the year strong. God bless you.