Day 10: Something I'm afraid of

Perfectionism: The Road to Failure

An excerpt

Published 10/5/2007 

It's human nature to do something as well as you can. It makes you feel worthwhile, elevates you in the eyes of friends, family and work colleagues. But if you feel you have to do things absolutely perfectly, and second best just won't do, then you could be setting yourself up for failure – and the depression and anxiety that follows. 

Perfectionism is a common character trait, particularly in people in environments where there's fierce competition or a culture of bullying – some corporate cultures, and in some schools where there a strong emphasis on status and achievement. It's also common in people who come from families where the parents are authoritarian and love is conditional – given out as a reward for good behaviour or withdrawn as a punishment. A mild degree of perfectionism can be a healthy thing. It can drive you to achieve things you wouldn't otherwise achieve and it can give you the motivation to persevere in the face of discouragement and obstacles. High-achieving athletes, scientists, and artists often show signs of perfectionism. But it can also be a source of stress, anxiety and depression. 

So when does perfectionism become more than a useful character trait and becomes destructive? Warning signs are when you:
1. Worry about mistakes and don't give yourself credit for your successes;
2. Can't enjoy something you've done, because there are other things you need to do at which you might fail;
3. Regret things you've done in the past that haven't turned out as you'd have liked;
4. Frequently criticise and find fault in others;
5. Have trouble adapting when circumstances change or when you aren't able to control a situation.

September 11

It was a Wednesday morning in Philippines. My parents were watching the early morning news. Their eyes were glued to the screen and their faces looked terrified as they watched the footage of a plane crashing two towers. I was ten years old. That was the first time I heard about the Twin Towers, World Trade Center and the word “terrorism”. Growing up, I became more familiar with what happened. Like the rest of us, I saw the haunting photos, heart-wrenching videos, and tributes to all the fallen ones that are circulated every year. I thought my knowledge was enough and my visit to the Ground Zero would not give me anything new aside from photos but I was wrong. 

By the time I visited the Ground Zero Memorial, I already saw more than half of New York’s most famous attractions. I went to Columbia, Times Square, The Statue of Liberty, Wall Street, the new World Trade Center - basically most of Manhattan. It was already 4pm when my friend and I checked out the charging bull and the fearless girl so I was already feeling tired yet satisfied with our city tour. But my friend said “Hey the 9/11 memorial is just around the corner. Let’s go!” I dragged my feet until we reached two huge sites of absence surrounded by tourists in the middle of the concrete jungle. There was a sense of peace, gratitude, and respect. At the same time, chills went down my spine as I look at its emptiness.

It was a paradox. Not a sight of the tragedy was present except for the memorial but I felt that I was taken back to September 11, 2001, as I stared at the ground zero. Men and women in suits were about to start their day, with Starbucks coffee on one hand and a phone in the other. It was supposedly just another busy Monday in this vibrant city and then, suddenly, something unbelievable had happened. The city of New York went pitch black with ashes. I could not believe that a tragedy with this magnitude transpired in this city that, albeit my short stay, made me feel I am most welcome. Here in the city that, in my opinion, best represents the American dream. Now that I've seen the beauty of New York, I could not, for the life of me, imagine the horror that was 9/11.

The lump in my throat wouldn’t go away when I saw the names of 2,983 victims inscribed on the parapets surrounding the memorial pools. Among the thousands of names engraved on the stone, Ronald Magnuson’s name caught my eye. 

His obituary says,“After some 40 years working on Wall Street, most recently as a Cantor Fitzgerald consultant, he was still thrilled by the neighbor hood's pace and power. He raised his children — Sheryl, 20, and Jeff, 23 — to love conversation as much as he did. His idea of a great night out was a rousing talk over a restaurant dinner, with any or all of the members of his family.”

There were so many names in front of me. So many innocent people lost their lives here in the exact spot where I was standing, well and alive, at the very moment. It was indeed a moment of paradox. We had dinner, then my friend and I parted ways. He went home to his place in Washington DC where he just started his life in the USA. I, on the other hand, went home and processed everything I saw in New York. I finally let go of the lump in my throat and wept for the lives that were lost sixteen years ago. After what seemed like hours of grieving, I said a little prayer of gratitude for my life and for the chance to experience this. 

“What separates us from the animals, what separates us from the chaos, is our ability to mourn people we’ve never met.” – David Levithan

Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend

This is Deb, my best friend since 2003. Deb and I have come a long way from exchanging notes in class, solving Math problems, telebabad, to boyfriends (hers, she was always the one with a boyfriend haha), heartbreaks (hers and mine) and now to adulthood and family. She is now a loving wife and mother of two beautiful girls. I've always known that being a mother is a noble task but it's only now, through Deb, that I'm seeing the entirety of motherhood, from the happy big picture to the minute messy and frustrating details of it. I once heard that "You won't know love until you become a mother" and that proves true whenever I see Deb raising her kids with selfless love and utmost care and patience. We couldn't be prouder. 

My other best friends, Ghel and Eric, are doing well in life too. Oh, sorry, I meant Atty. Angelique Mendoza is going rather great, thank you very much. That lawyer friend of mine suffered from a terrible heartbreak before her birthday and got back on her feet, well and pretty by Christmas. How? No idea, let's all ask her. Eric, on the other hand, recently weathered a storm of job interviews and rejections in search for his passion. It's a grand quest that millenials always admire, akin to a Hollywood movie. But Eric did more than that. It takes a great deal of perseverance to follow our passion, but just as much to fulfill our commitments to a job that drains our spirit but pays the bills anyway. Every single day, Eric showed up to work professionally and brought his share of food to the table like a very responsible adult. Now, he's found a new job and, on his free time, he volunteers in a non-profit organization. 

It's been a pleasure growing up with these people. I have lived in three countries and met new friends but I don't think I'll ever find someone like them. When you find someone who cares about how your eyebrows look on a daily basis, you should never let them go. Haha. 

Day 8: A place you've traveled to

August 4, 2017. I was very exhausted. Work demands, mental health issues, and relationship challenges have taken a toll on me. I flew out to the States hoping for a sweet escape, some rest, and time to write my blog. So upon arrival, I rushed to my accommodation, pulled up the shades and saw this Upper Manhattan view then suddenly, all my problems were forgotten. Well hello, New York City!                                                                                                                                          

***** 

A few months back, my supervisor urged me to submit an abstract for a conference in New York. While I was glad that my abstract was accepted, every researcher knows that it takes months of rigorous laboratory work to pull off 15 slides worth of a scientific presentation. It was not a problem if working hard is the only thing that I had to do. Unfortunately, it was also during those months that my personal life has become a mess. Jay and I got into an almost endless bureaucracy that has already cost us five figures (in dollars) and innumerable stressful days and nights. I felt very helpless to see both of us falling apart in a country where we only have each other - no friends, no family. On so many nights, we talked about throwing the towel and cutting our losses. That we just pack our bags and go back home. That we stop forcing ourselves to fit into the very high standards of this country when he has a first world country to go back to anyway. No words can explain how painful it was for me because just barely a year ago, I was crying, wishing and praying on bended knees for this PhD and now I might have to give it all up. 

The bureaucracy, work, and bills pushed us to the brink of our (my) sanity. I went to counseling and leaned on good people to seek encouragement and stay afloat. With their help, I managed to show up to work, albeit looking very tired and disheveled, and gave my best as if my personal issues did not affect my ability to be a scientist. I pushed my stressed mind to publish. To write and revise manuscripts. I worked tirelessly on the biggest academic hurdle of my PhD. Two days prior to my New York trip, an academic panel was still grilling me with questions as they decided on whether to confirm or reject me into the PhD program of The University of Queensland. I passed. I gathered my documents, packed my bags and flew to face another challenge that awaited me at the other side of the world.

***** 

Columbia University, August 2017.

It is no secret that my lifelong dreams are deeply aligned with educational achievements. My parents may not have afforded to send me to an Ivy League institution and I'm fine with that but I will still pass this dream to my future kids and to their kids until someone in the family finally gets an Ivy League degree. Haha. So imagine my happiness when I got the opportunity to present my work at Columbia University, no less.

My presentation was bombarded with so many questions that, even the audience thought, were harsh for a one-year-old research. But you know, they could have grilled me for one day and I wouldn’t care less. Never in my three years in research have I been that calm, collected and spontaneous in speaking about my work. Never have I had people approaching me, asking more about my work, offering collaborations, and requesting copies of my presentation. 

Later at the gala dinner, I was sipping my champagne and looking at the Manhattan skyline aboard the Liberty Belle when a woman walked towards me. She said smiling, “I just want you to know that you did a great job in your presentation. I thought they were tough, but you were tougher."

***** 

And that’s how I will remember my New York trip. Frank Sinatra was not lying when he said, “If I can make it here, I’ll make it anywhere” because that was how New York made me feel. In the midst of nagging thoughts, regrets, homesickness and life questions, this glorious city celebrated my efforts for what it's worth, gave me a tap on the back, reminded me why I am still here thriving, and assured me that I will make it. So thank you, NYC. I really needed that. 

Heidy the Aquarius

Do you remember the pre-internet days when you used to pick up a tabloid from your father's desk and you went straight to the horoscope section full of utter bullshit from Madam Auring? Nope? You didn't do that at all? Okay fine.

Anyway, I've kept my distance from these zodiacs since then. It was only tonight that I came across some horoscope stuff and OMG these astrologists are becoming on point with their vibrations eh?

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AQUARIUS

Strengths: Progressive, original, independent, humanitarian
Weaknesses: Runs from emotional expression, temperamental, uncompromising, aloof
Aquarius Likes: Fun with friends, helping others, fighting for causes, intellectual conversation, a good listener
Aquarius Dislikes: Limitations, broken promises, being lonely, dull or boring situations, people who disagree with them 

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Aquarius-born are shy and quiet (not at all) , but on the other hand they can be eccentric and energetic. However, in both cases, they are deep thinkers and highly intellectual people who love helping others. They are able to see without prejudice, on both sides, which makes them people who can easily solve problems (Jay said that I have this habit of solving problems that aren't even my own; say world poverty or Brisbane traffic). Although they can easily adapt to the energy that surrounds them, Aquarius-born have a deep need to be some time alone and away from everything, in order to restore power. 

People born under the Aquarius sign, look at the world as a place full of possibilities (I wonder when and where will we settle down? Le sigh). Aquarius is an air sign, and as such, uses his mind at every opportunity.  If there is no mental stimulation, they are bored and lack a motivation to achieve the best result. 

The ruling planet of Aquarius, Uranus has a timid, abrupt and sometimes aggressive nature, but it also gives Aquarius visionary quality. They are capable of perceiving the future and they know exactly what they want to be doing five or ten years from now. Uranus also gave them the power of quick and easy transformation, so they are known as thinkers, progressives and humanists. They feel good in a group or a community, so they constantly strive to be surrounded by other people (really Zodiac, I don't need a reminder that I'm currently living in a country with a size of Europe and only having a quarter of the population of Philippines). 

The biggest problem for Aquarius-born is the feeling that they are limited or constrained. Because of the desire for freedom and equality for all, they will always strive to ensure freedom of speech and movement. Aquarius-born have a reputation for being cold and insensitive persons, but this is just their defence mechanism against premature intimacy. They need to learn to trust others and express their emotions in a healthy way.

Not really passionate into this clairvoyant stuff but it was fun. Haha