#Closing2013: Highlights and Lowlights

So here we are, two days away from ending the year. The year that was a whirlwind of new experiences, wave of several emotions, and the start of my quarter-life crisis.

Fresh from my board exam success, post-college trauma hit me hard. I ended up working for a job where my father used to be at for 10 years. Not that I was complaining since, of course, there are perks. But it can only take me so far. Let me talk about that later.

WORK was okay. The industry is very tough and all the employees are in constant pressure to live in the office. There are weeks when I work for 15hours everyday, only going home to sleep for 4hours then get back to work again. I was losing more sleep at work than during our thesis week. But honestly I had no problem about that. Working hard is not a new concept to me.

With work goes the income and SAVINGS. I am proud to say that I have been trained by my parents to manage my income very well. My savings account is one of the few things that I am proud of this year.

I got my chance to TRAVEL to Bangkok this year, thanks to my father. He was there for official business so he allowed me to tour myself in the country. Three days of touring all the nook and crannies of Bangkok made me realize that travel really gives one a richer soul. I think I am a sight-seeing and soul-searching kinda girl.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I can count in my  hands the number of times that I have seen my dearest FRIENDS this year. We had an intimate dinner at Army Navy (we saw Derek Ramsay), went to Intramuros for a mini-fieldtrip / walkathon (we were kids like that) , had a christmas bonding at Alabang. I had a Tagaytay getaway with my college friends and overnight swimming with Eric, Carlo and company. All the other weekends were spent resting.

Those are all the highlights that were memorable to me this year.

The one, major lowlight for me this year is my CAREER. My fucking career. First, I am not very happy that my first job has my father's name all over the place. I got well-known so fast by the big bosses not because of my skills, but because they are friends with my father. I was introduced to every Amkor employee as "the daughter of Perry Cruz." It is equally frustrating that I felt that I was getting nowhere with this job. Maybe it's too early to tell, or maybe I just have to trust my gut that tells me I am planted in the wrong soil.

I heard harsh words from my father as to how I handle my career, my DECISIONS and my life over all. Can I blame him? I don't work that hard. I am not interested with the assembly industry. The amount of effort that I put in my job right now is not even a quarter of what I know I could give. Yes, my father was utterly disappointed with me.

I didn't know it has to be this hard. But then, I didn't know that in a span of one year, life can teach me a lot of things. That maybe, I just have to accept the fact that I am a baby in the real world with nothing on hand and everything to learn. I can't always get what I want. There will be a lot of REJECTIONS and DISAPPOINTMENTS. But what should set me aside is my passion.

That drive that makes me wake up every morning and face whatever the day may bring to me. The passion that will make me fulfilled every time I go home for the fact that I went out there and challenged myself. I know it's hard to find, but I had it once... and I know I can find it again.

LIFE slapped me the fact that I am not a kid anymore. Nobody will make decisions for me. I am accountable to every consequences that my decisions will bring. I will be the one to benefit and suffer from it. It is what makes everything scary. I finally understood the weight of taking risks. Every decision that I make will impact my life five to ten years from now.

"It's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about."

MOVING FORWARD. Life will always have its trade-offs. There are things we need to sacrifice in order to get what we want. Nothing is free, even decisions.

But I cannot get out of this soil if I won't make a decision to move forward, upward. It's not always a guarantee but I have to do it. I am not getting any younger. The best time to take risks, explore different opportunities is now. I won't be able to do half the things that I want when I get older and attached.

#2013 overwhelmed me with reality. The goodness of life and all the bad things that came with it. I take with me all the learnings and experiences and I leave all the bad things behind. I can't stress this enough but #2014 is my Year of the Great Uncertainty. I honestly don't know where to go -- literally and figuratively. But any how, it is the only way to go and I look forward to it.

18 Things Everyone Should Start Making Time For Again

Sharing an article from thoughtcatalog.

There are a lot of life lists spread on the internet lately but this one caught my eye. My goal is to do at least 12/18 before the year closes. Most of my 2013 is really shitty but I'm not giving up. Seven weeks left before this year ends and I am planning to end it this way. Leggo.

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1. Writing things by hand. Letters to friends, lists for the store, goals for the week, notes for lovers, thank you cards and memos to coworkers. Digital communication is easy and convenient but ask anybody: there’s a huge difference between texting someone to say that you love them and hope they have a great day and writing it on a note and leaving it next to their bed.

2. Savoring time to do nothing. Taking a cue from pre-industrialized society and cultures that enjoy siestas and long, drawn-out, sit-down teas that serve no other purpose than to spend time enjoying the time you have.

3. Thinking before responding. We’ve become too conditioned to require things immediately. Someone asks a question, and we have to respond that second. Such was not the case before instant messaging and comment threads. A sign of true intelligence and confidence, I think, is someone who takes time to consider the question at hand in a little more depth, and then offers a response.

4. Cooking a nice meal just for the sake of doing so. It really trains you to defy your need for instant gratification and of course puts you in touch with something that’s very human and can be lovely if done right.

5. Getting really dressed up for no other reason than just wanting to.

6. Books. Actual hard copy books that you can scribble notes in and mark off sections of and smell ink through and hear the sound of turning pages and bending spines while you read.

7. Making phone calls to relatives for no other reason than to just say hi, and to ask how they’re doing.

8. Disconnecting from technology frequently enough that we won’t be anxious and feeling like we’re missing something when we try to do so for an extended period of time.

9. Celebrating things with long, multiple course dinners that we hold for people as opposed to just drinking ourselves into an oblivion and being belligerent (that has it’s time and place, of course, but having thoughtful, celebratory dinners is a dying art).

10. Cleaning because it’s satisfying and doing things like painting walls or getting fresh flowers just because it’s therapeutic.

11. Spending time with kids, and doing kid things with them. They just know what’s up.

12. Answering things in a timely fashion, not putting off invitations and requests just because we can.

13. Making sure relationships are actually based on time spent with one another. People seem to be sustaining them through only digital means with increasing frequency and I can understand how that’s important if it’s temporarily long distance but in general, physically being with people is the only thing that will give you that sense of human connectedness.

14. Just sitting and listening to music. We’ve made music background noise in our everyday lives, but now and again we should just sit and enjoy it like people used to.

15. Traveling by train, or if that’s not possible, at least exploring places that you pass everyday. Especially if you live in a big city, there are always little hidden gems around that you won’t believe you lived without seeing while they were a block away from you all along.

16. Putting personal health and well-being first, as it often falls to the wayside in importance. This means, aside from the obvious, taking those personal days and using them to just relax. We’ve made such a quirky commodity out of enjoying napping and relaxing, as though doing so makes us boring and old. It doesn’t, it’s healthy.

17. Planning something, especially with someone else, as simple as dinner or as grandiose as a long vacation next year. You always need something to look forward to.

18. Stopping to talk to people throughout the day. Connecting with them genuinely, as such interaction is really important but is becoming increasingly less common. Turning our phones off when out to dinner (who even turns them off anymore?) and learning to not spend all of our time documenting whatever we’re doing for social media. It often takes away from the experience itself

Haiyan

I can't watch or read any news of it and not cry. It's heartbreaking. How and why did this happen to us? We are resilient, yes, but these people don't even have much to start with and yet this happened. Lord, help us.

Whats My Story?

Say hypothetically, I finally get the chance to travel alone. Since I am already dreaming, I'm gonna set it high and say that I am in Boston. I am sitting outside of a cozy restaurant with a fresh juice on hand and a city park sight to see. Then suddenly I am not alone. I am talking to a stranger -- a guy stranger, of course. Hmm, let's say his name is John.

 

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 Heidy: So you're from Texas and an artist. How come you don't look like a hipster? You look so average. No offense.

 

John: I take it you watch a lot of Hollywood movies? Must be where you got the idea.

 

Heidy: Haha, yes I watch a lot, and no that's not where I got the idea. People who are more artistically inclined tend to be more.. expressive.. on many aspects of their lives. They are so spontaneous and passionate. It's like they look more for passion than look for a job. Is that too much a stereotype?

 

John: May I ask what do you do?

 

Heidy: I am a chemical engineer. I use the other side of my brain for a living.

 

John: So you're the opposite of "spontaneous and passionate"? That's what you're implying.

 

Heidy: I think so. I don't feel spontaneous at all and I have yet to live a life with passion. I am searching for it. That's why I went away in the first place.

 

John: Why Boston?

 

Heidy: It's my dream place to see. I want to visit all the universities. Harvard, MIT.. God knows how many times I have dreamed of studying in those schools. You know, I used to think that learning and studying is my passion

 

John: That's not a bad thing at all. What stopped you from learning?

 

Heidy: Because I started working. And I hate my job.

 

John: May I ask why?

 

Heidy: After college, I am craving for a lot of time to explore my life. Explore a lot of possibilities, new hobbies, meet new people. But I couldn't because I don't even enough time to sleep after work.

I feel so grumpy every day when I wake up and go to work. I don't extend my effort to get to know my colleagues in a deeper sense because everyday I am thinking of quitting my job. And it's not just my job. I want to quit my life. Reset. That's why I am here. I want to be in a place where nobody knows me so that I can leave all my baggage from home.

 

John: As much as we want to reset our lives, forget about our bad choices, we can't do that. It's our choices that defines what we are now. You are grumpy and unhappy because of a choice that you made. Probably it's the choice of accepting a job that you know you'll hate... or it's simply your choice to be unhappy everyday. It's cliche but happiness is really a decision.

 

Heidy: I always know that I'm gonna hate this job from the very beginning. Yet I took it. It's a medicine. It tastes fucking bad but I know I'm gonna get better when I suck it up.

 

John: It's a good thing that you know you're getting something good out of your job.What do you want your next job to be? What's your next move on life?

 

Heidy: I want to try design. Or a job that would allow me to travel and see places. It's cliche I know. But in my 22 years of existence, I realized that I don't have stories to tell. I haven't been anywhere and experienced anything. I live in the shadow of my father for god's sake. Now that I am working, I am terrified that I will suck at my job because I hate it, and it freaks me out that I may not be as successful as my father. I live to please him. Whenever he say go home, I go home. When told me to take this job, I took it. When he said don't quit, I did not...

 

I was all tears when I say the next words out of my mouth. It's an admission. A sad truth of my life.. "I don't have my own story." I will meet a lot of new people and they will ask about my interesting story. And I have none.

 

He sat up straight, look me and the eye and asked,  "What do you want?"

 

Heidy: They say when you're not busy being born, you're busy dying. I want to live. I want to finish a 10km run without my parents shouting at me that they won't allow me to commute at 4am for a stupid run. I want to go to the beach and try surfing. I want to go to a music festival. I want a job where I look forward to go to everyday. Somewhere I won't feel grumpy. I want to feel alive again because frankly, right now I'm not. I want to start writing my story.

 

John: I won't say anything after that, because you said it all. You know what you want. You figured it out yourself. What you need now is the courage to do all these things. Sometimes we get so scared of the consequences of our choices that we stop making choices anymore. That's wrong. Our life moves when we make choices. I am not asking you to be reckless and try everything but you are so young to be afraid. A ship is safe on the harbor but that's not where a ship is supposed to be. This is just one test, young lady. Go on, make your choices and pass your paper.

 

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College Nostalgia

The fulfillment of surviving college, the idea of graduation, and the excitement when we ran altogether as we exit the Arch of the Centuries-- with grand fireworks and whole University celebrating with us-- is one moment of happiness that I will treasure forever. I wish to feel this once again. Thank you, UST, for giving a wonderful college memory.