Day 7: Hobbies

Before I was hit by last year's Great Depression, I used to have a healthy set of hobbies like running, working out, reading fiction novels and watching artsy movies. Fast forward to the present, all I do during my free time is scroll my Facebook feed. Don't get me wrong, it's not as if I have plenty of free time these days. Here's a breakdown of my life:

8-9AM: Wake up, cook breakfast, take a shower.

9-5: Work

6-8PM: Dinner, chat a bit with Jay about our day, prepare lunch for the next day

8-10PM: Take a shower, watch a korean drama (the only hobby I haven't lost my interest in) sleep 

Some of you might point out that I could have squeezed in a hobby like reading a novel instead of sleeping early, but how could you deprive a depressed woman of her much-needed sleep? K, kayo na ang  puyat. 

My weekends go like this: 

9-10AM: Wake up, make breakfast, dishes

10-12PM: Clean the kitchen, laundry, hang clothes

12-1PM: Lunch, dishes

1-4PM: Clean the house, wash the bedsheets while the sun is still out, clean the toilet, take a shower

4-6PM: Collect and fold our fresh clothes, rest to hold on to my dear life

6-8PM: Dinner, chat with Jay, dishes.

Our bodies don't stop feeling hungry on Sundays so we do the same routine to stay alive, then go to the supermarket.

Hello adulting.

Add the fact that since I got depressed, I've lost interest in mostly everything in life. Like I said on Twitter, all movies are either trying hard or very underwhelming, and all songs sound like pure noise. Plus I have already given up on meeting new friends here. As long as I'm happy with my relationship with Jay and with the relationships that I have at home, that's enough. 

I'm slowly accepting the fact that my time here will probably be a very miserable, at most neutral, experience and I'm starting to believe that it's okay. If this chapter in my life is meant to be difficult and unhappy, then so be it. I'm tired of trying to feel otherwise. 

Day 6: A picture of something that makes me happy

While I was browsing my news subscriptions the other day, cringing at most headlines and mostly averting more bad news, I stumbled upon this photo embedded on the headline: "Taiwan court rules for same-sex marriage!" There's just too much happiness in this photo that I couldn't help but tear up too. These people, whose love is always questioned, ridiculed and dismissed, have been fighting for recognition and respect for decades. I can only imagine their overflowing joy on this day.

I've never really given much thought about same-sex marriage. I never had any qualms with it too, partly because it's an issue that I never really questioned. All I know is I want to live in a world where love wins. 

New Beginnings by Lang Leav

If I have learned anything this year, it is that I won't ever be ready for what life throws at me. I won't have the right words when it counts; I won't know what to choose when fate itself is staring me down. But now I know I don't always need to have the right answer. 

I've learned I can go on waiting for something, sustained by hope and nothing more -- or I can put it aside and shrug my shoulders. Bravely accept the fact that I can't keep my heart safe any more than I can stop love from taking everything from me. 

I have learned to stop saying yes when I don't mean it -- to live as authentically as I know how. To allow the tips of my fingers to skirt the darkness, as long as I remember to keep my eyes fixed on the light. And as one door opens and another closes, I will move forward with the knowledge that unlike so many others, I have another year ahead of me -- another shot at making it all the way around the sun, and a chance to get it right this time around. 

Day 5: A song to match my mood

This is a song that speaks volume about my depression and anxiety and how I'm going on all fours to fight it every single day. I mean, the lyrics didn't even try to be subtle: "GET YOURSELF TOGETHER" I know! 

It's much more difficult to have depression and anxiety when you're older because adulthood doesn't give you a chance to sulk up and cry in a corner because you got bills to pay. It's hard when you don't want to get out of bed but you have to because no one will tend to your needs. Yes, I have Jay but he's also dealing with his own adult obligations so I'd rather not let him carry my entirety. So to all adults suffering this crisis we're all in this together! It may seem like a never-ending tunnel, but it's just a phase. Let's get out of it. Pay the bills and carry on juskoooooo 

"You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight. These tears are going nowhere....

And you are such a fool to worry like you do. 

I know it's tough and you can never get enough of what you don't really need now...

You've got to get yourself together. You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it"