Another year has come and gone. It feels just like yesterday when I was gawking over the iconic Grand Central station after presenting my research proposal. Now, I am ready to embark on the last stage of my PhD, ready for new challenges in both my career and personal life as Heidy Cruz – Park. More on that later.
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| August 2017. Grand Central Station, NYC |
One of the many difficult things about research is the need to fixate on the tiniest details when delivering outputs. Academics are known for our negligence to deadlines and working at a snail’s pace because our work requires very high attention to details. My supervisor once noticed when the caption font in my flow chart was Calibri instead of Arial in one of my powerpoint slides. Writing a manuscript is gruesome when you have more than two co-authors who scrutinize all your grammar mistakes and anything else that they are not happy about – down to the last bar chart color scheme. I wish I was making this up. I’ve been living my life like my PhD. I focus on the wrong things that happen in my day and beat myself up in trying to correct these mistakes. It’s insanely tiring to wake up every day so keen to do things right, diligently and happily only to end up lost and frustrated over some grammar comments that I received in my manuscript. I forgot the next most important thing. That one must not forget the big picture. Focus on the details but always think how they fit in the big picture.
I want my career's big picture to be filled with awareness, discovery, and advocacy. Whether it is inside a laboratory, in front of my computer working on my manuscript, in front of an audience inspiring students, I want to work until my last breath. I want to wake up on Mondays without complaints and clock out on Friday feeling satisfied, albeit exhausted, for another work week. I want a composed mind that does not dump work-related problems in my family home. I want to work diligently – doing my best in everything that I do, not because I need a raise or a promotion but simply because I aim to have a strong work ethic. I want to share my knowledge and learnings to people whether through a scientific publication or on Facebook.
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| August 2018, LACMA |
I lived this year for myself. Knowing that I will start a new chapter with my husband at the end of the year, I intentionally focused on myself and all the things that reminded me of my youth. I spent two months alone, with minimal contact with Jay, and indulged myself with everything that I wanted to do. I flew to California to see my father and my cousins. I relived my childhood – watched animes, re-read Harry Potter, binged on my favorite mangas, talked to my parents for hours, did my hair at 11pm like a conscious teenage girl. I cherished my past. I reminisced all my puppy loves and heartbreaks and how, thank God, I did not end up with any of them. I lived in the present knowing that in a few months, my life will change. I hoped for the future thinking that finally, after a long and winding journey, I will be spending the rest of my life with the love I fought so hard for.
I know that loving one person for the rest of my life is intentional, deliberate and at times, forced. The life that I am embarking on is not only a union of two people but two cultures and languages. No one knows whether our marriage is worth it in the end but I am sure that I will never regret giving my heart and choosing to fight for our love every single day.
I choose to live full of love. I want to cherish my family – the family who gave me life and my new family who accepted and acknowledged me as a capable wife. I want to cultivate my friendship with my beautiful friends who flew miles to see me during my happiest day. With friends who sent their love and well-wishes even when we are miles apart. I want to love my work without the need for romanticized passion. I want to enjoy happy moments without the need to cling to them. I don’t want to worry about how I will feel when it’s over.
As always, it was a year filled with learnings. Among all the great things that happened to me this year, thank you 2018 for giving my greatest love.
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| November 3, 2018. Seoul, Korea |