Weekends, Freedom, and Choices

I've always been a very ambitious person. I've always known the person I wanted to become and the life I wanted to live since I was young. I wanted to have a career. I knew I would never stay in one place and I would compete with many people, not to win, but to be improve myself. I was not born genius but I wanted to be smart so I knew that I should work ten times harder than my classmates. I was so used to late nights since I was in grade school. I was busy working towards my ambitions. No hobbies, no childhood life.

I grew up in a very strict household. There were many things that I was not allowed to do and were criticized for while growing up. My parents said they were instilling discipline. When I asked my parents if I could join my friends on a beach trip, they did not allow me. I was 22, then. I knew that claiming my independence would not be easy in a household that criticized my future based on how late I went home when I was 22.

When I was 23, I knew I had to use my brain to claim my freedom. My father would never allow her first daughter to win a rebellion in his house. So I looked for scholarships abroad in places that are safe for women and then I found Korea. That's why I would always call it my first 'adventure'. I went there not to "study" per se, but to widen my perspective and to finally live my life the way I wanted to. I worked hard and played hard. My father would always scoff on my travel photos saying that I went there to only have fun. He was not aware that I did experiments for twelve hours, six days a week, just to earn a day off. Of course it's always my job to prove myself. I guess I didn't deserve to be understood.

Now, I have a doctorate. The greatest achievement of my entire life conferred by one of the world's top 50 institutions and I did it on my own. I earned it. Blood and sweat. The hardest four years of my life. 

It's been nearly six years since I moved out of the country - away from my family and the people who have very low expectations from me. It was the most freeing experience of my entire existence and I haven't had enough of this life. There are still so many things I want to do with my time. I want to travel, learn recipes, try new hobbies, pamper myself, date my husband, and read books. I want to do all the things that I missed when I was younger. The possibilities are endless. 

This is the entire reason why I shy away from having kids. Being a parent would tie me down and bring me to that blackhole of prying eyes, criticisms, comparison, and judgments. I know these are part of parenthood but personally, I am not ready to go down that path. The hypothetical joy of having children cannot compensate the sacrifices that are being asked from me, yet. 

Maybe one day, I will be ready to change my life. One day, when I finally enjoyed the freedom that I denied myself for twenty two years, I will go down the noble path of raising new human beings. But for now, let me enjoy the life that I know I deserve. 

Women have worked so hard to have equal footing in the society, to be equal and even be better than men, and to actually have a choice. No one should dictate as to when and if we want to change the course of our life toward parenthood just to meet a biological deadline. Let us live on our own terms. 

Some people may be uncomfortable with this discussion but for me it has to be said. 

Random thoughts during a global pandemic

When can we see our families? When can I hug my aging grandparents? When can I see my blooming sister and workout with my brother? When can I taste my mum's homecooked meals? When can I see my father? I want to attend my friends' weddings. I want to have long meals with my parents-in-law. 

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I am very grateful that the Australian government has allowed us to stay here safely and that Queensland state government has been working so hard to keep us safe from the pandemic. For this reason, we have had to close borders and just like most expats in the world, we are unable to visit home without the security that our temporary home countries will allow us back. It just has to be done. My husband is also in the same boat and, thank heavens, he's here with me. I get it. 

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Most of the time, I completely understand the sacrifices that we are all doing to survive this horrific year. But sometimes, my brain goes mad and it's not just because of the pandemic. This little bugger 'Rona revealed all of society's ills. This makes me question the point of everything when the system built for us is so unjust, so cruel, so selfish. Half a million people are now dead from coronavirus and, after four months of living through it, people have gone numb; almost as if these deaths are just numbers. We have bills to pay and mouths to feed. We have to suck it up. 

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Four months. I thought I would have gotten used to waking up to chilling news. Apparently not. Each day, little by little, the liberty that I was born with is being taken away from me. Change has come to my beloved home. 

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Tomorrow is another day. Despite my grievances, I still live with a renewed determination to live well. Be productive. Drink lots of water. Fix my posture. Smile. Exercise. Be a better person. 

/end

Day 22-23: What's in my purse & Things that I don't leave without

Day 22: What's in your purse?

Lip balms, tint, and a lipstick. For me, the only makeup that makes a difference in my overall look is lipstick. I put a lot of effort in keeping my lips tinted and hydrated (but it's really hard!). House key - I can recall a handful of times when I had to wait outside of the house waiting for my husband to come home because I forgot my key. That situation made me so annoyed about everything, myself included, to the point that I even questioned the lack of neighborhood interaction in Australia. I thought that if we were close, I probably could have waited for Jay in my neighbor's house instead of outside our apartment, looking so homeless. LOL. Hand sanitizer because of the pandemic - again let's not go there. 

Day 23: Something you don't leave the house without

My purse. 

My alma mater

19 June 2020

Today, my degree is officially conferred. I now hold a doctorate from the University of Queensland. I have yet to articulate all my emotions during my Ph.D. journey as it has not sunk in. In case my reader is living under a rock, I regret to inform you that we are currently fighting a global pandemic.

While I have yet to uncover the rollercoaster emotions that I felt in the last four years, my attachment to my alma mater - The University of Queensland - has grown stronger over the past few weeks. I have all the reasons to feel this way. First, UQ gave me a fair chance to compete for a slot in their competitive Ph.D. program. A foreigner, with almost unknown credentials, and no publications, found a supervisor who fought hard and vetted for my talents - based on his trust on me. I have yet to ask his reasons but, needless to say, it is something that I will never forget. UQ awarded me a full scholarship with a decent salary and a multitude of opportunities that were given by merit alone. I went to international travels, career development seminars, and classes that honed my skills not only as an academic but as a professional. Accomplished colleagues willingly co-authored my papers, gave constructive feedback, and shared valuable writing skills. I would not be able to publish my research in prestigious journals without their help. Finally, despite the recession, UQ gave me my first full-time academic job after my Ph.D. I am overwhelmed that, at a time when universities are struggling to stay afloat, I am still able to start my academic career. A chance is all I need and UQ granted it.

I am so proud of UQ. I feel immense gratitude, happiness, respect, and loyalty to this institution that took a chance on a stranger, a woman, a person of color like me, and believed in my abilities.

Mon Cheri

I've looked all around this

Big old world and found that

All I really want is love

Nothing can compare

This world I've had my share of

All I really want is love

In this life of chasing dreams

Such strife in seeking schemes

Designed for happiness

Now I finally realized

Deep underneath my lies

All I really want is love.

**********

Day 21: Sweet Memory of My Youth

Nothing beats the prom. That one night in high school where we all played dress-up and stepped into the spotlight together for the first and last time in our adolescence. My prom was held in 2007, meaning pre-social media, pre-Instagram influencers, and fashion bloggers, hence we never really had so much social anxiety and visceral 'red carpet'-like competition on what we were going to wear. We just wore whatever we fancied, not because Vogue told us so. Our school, always known for taking the high road, gave the girls fashion advice on how to look classy (not trashy!) for prom and they even provided a 2-hour seminar on dining etiquette for formal dinners hahaha. 

Many people say that highschool is the best part of their youth, and while I don't agree on that, I strongly believe that it is indeed a special phase in life that we can never recreate again. We only live through highschool once. All the flutters of our hearts, butterflies in our stomach, innocence, fun, energy, insecurities, angst - these all come with our adolescence.

Ahhh, being young is sweet and fun but I also like where I am right now (still young!!!). 

"It's the oldest story in the world. One day you're seventeen and planning for someday, and then quietly and without you ever really noticing, someday is today, and that someday is yesterday. And this is your life."

Day 20: Plans/dreams/goals you have

This question is so cliche and hard to answer that I had to look back on what I wrote on my first attempt on this challenge back in 2011 - voila it's empty! It seems that I didn't change at all. Maybe I chose to keep my plans and dreams in private to stop my future self from using it as a receipt. I choose to do the same this time around. 

Day 19: An Ode to Love

On a bright spring day four years ago, I woke up rather chirpy and excited for our first mountain hike of the year. The weather had been getting warmer and we’d been going out a lot since the New Year. Our conversations had become longer, day trips went farther and my heart started feeling happier each passing day. The hike was fun and refreshing. The trees looked vibrant and lush and the weather was too good to be true. Your company, as always, was the best part of it. A few hours after parting ways, you asked me to meet you again in the convenience store across my apartment. There you asked point blank “I’m really happy with you. I would like to be your boyfriend.” Huh. Where were the mind games? The mixed signals? I was stunned, more than anything, that a confession could sound so simple and yet so sincere. In the next 60 seconds, I thought about my student visa, our language barrier, different nationalities and all the obvious reasons why this would never work. But then, I also thought about our great friendship. I knew I found another lifelong friend in you. Knowing that they don’t make gentle, well-mannered, honest and smart men like you these days, I thought that I’d be foolish to reject the chance to be loved and treasured by this gentle soul even for a short time. I was so sure that you would never break my heart even if this would end. I can still remember that loud and nagging voice in my head telling me to be brave of the unknown and take this chance once and for all.

And so I answered “Okay. Let’s have fun.”

I love you, my dear husband. You are my biggest leap of faith. My best decision. Happy anniversary.

Day 18: Favorite Place to Eat

I don't have a big appetite for food. Hence my disinterest in exploring the next best restaurant in town. I'm also not particular to flavors and details that most food lovers pay attention to. I don't eat any snack in between meals. I always tell Jay that I'm a cheap date because I don't eat sweets, cakes, and ice creams plus I'm allergic to chocolate so we don't go to dessert cafes as well. I just want my food to be Asian. Maybe Vietnamese, to be specific. That's my one and only requirement. Haha.

Day 17: Something you're (not) looking forward to

Two days before 28

It is a usual joke between my peers that new adults stop looking forward to their birthdays after 25. Personally, I think it's because life starts to speed up when we are busy taking care of it. Compared to a graph, the scale of an adult life gets bigger as the years add up. Nothing special happens on a day-to-day basis. The best day is always the payday which sadly comes fortnightly and yet the bills are eternal. Waiting for a potential job interview takes months. Planning for a wedding takes a year. Daily gratifications are getting harder to achieve and so we are often told that patience is key. We wait patiently for the next best thing and the next day we open our eyes, we are a year older again! 

I am turning 28 in a few days. I won't pretend that I like adding a year to my age as quickly as it happens these days. Unlike men, our age tells a lot about us - our ability to conceive a child, should we want one, slows down with age, hence the unconscious rush to marry for fear of losing in the dating pool. Even single, career-oriented women who choose to fight against the social expectations around marriage are not given fair promotions at work simply because their superiors assume that they will quit the workforce after getting married and/or bearing a child. Humans designed a world that revolves around men and the women are supporting characters. Of course, my peers and all the progressive women in the 21st century will not be having any of these gender bias anymore. Although admittedly, no matter how much I condition my brain, my age really has a lot to do with the rest of my future, unless my nagging father financially supports the preservation of my precious young egg cells and pay the annual storage fees until I choose to use them. /end of rant.

Day 16: Dream house

When I was first asked this question, I had a simple answer. My dream house was “A happy and harmonious family. I'm dreaming that one day, I'd be able to make a home.”

Eight years later, my dream house is what I have right now: a two-bedroom humble rental in Australia where my husband and I lives. As empty as a box when we first moved in three years ago, the progress of this apartment symbolized our growth as couples and as new adults. I was a hopeful 25-year-old moving in with my then-boyfriend, both with temporary visas and unsure futures. I hardly had any idea on how to furnish a house. We started by filling it up with usual necessities and for almost a year, our place was still stripped from any décor or colour. Gladly as time went by, we found our feet in Australia, in our new apartment, and in our relationship. We got engaged. Tied the knot. We replaced the second-hand couch, bought new curtains, ditched the IKEA mattress and changed the decorations as our budget permitted. We have only one television in the living room so that we will be forced to watch and relax together in the same space. Dinner is only served once so that both of us will have to eat together. Simple things for some people but incredibly important to me who lived in a 5-bedroom house, each with our own telly, with family members who dined separately whenever we pleased. The housing market in Australia is astronomical akin to any first world country but I have faith that life will lead us to our future home. After all, I never dreamed of a luxurious life – I just want a comfortable life that can afford annual vacations, health insurance, mortgage, and a portion for savings and retirement.

Day 15: Bible verse

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
 New International Version 

Day 14: A picture of me last year and how I have changed [Closing 2018]

Another year has come and gone. It feels just like yesterday when I was gawking over the iconic Grand Central station after presenting my research proposal. Now, I am ready to embark on the last stage of my PhD, ready for new challenges in both my career and personal life as Heidy Cruz – Park. More on that later.

August 2017. Grand Central Station, NYC

One of the many difficult things about research is the need to fixate on the tiniest details when delivering outputs. Academics are known for our negligence to deadlines and working at a snail’s pace because our work requires very high attention to details. My supervisor once noticed when the caption font in my flow chart was Calibri instead of Arial in one of my powerpoint slides. Writing a manuscript is gruesome when you have more than two co-authors who scrutinize all your grammar mistakes and anything else that they are not happy about – down to the last bar chart color scheme. I wish I was making this up. I’ve been living my life like my PhD. I focus on the wrong things that happen in my day and beat myself up in trying to correct these mistakes. It’s insanely tiring to wake up every day so keen to do things right, diligently and happily only to end up lost and frustrated over some grammar comments that I received in my manuscript. I forgot the next most important thing. That one must not forget the big picture. Focus on the details but always think how they fit in the big picture.

I want my career's big picture to be filled with awareness, discovery, and advocacy. Whether it is inside a laboratory, in front of my computer working on my manuscript, in front of an audience inspiring students, I want to work until my last breath. I want to wake up on Mondays without complaints and clock out on Friday feeling satisfied, albeit exhausted, for another work week. I want a composed mind that does not dump work-related problems in my family home. I want to work diligently – doing my best in everything that I do, not because I need a raise or a promotion but simply because I aim to have a strong work ethic. I want to share my knowledge and learnings to people whether through a scientific publication or on Facebook. 

August 2018, LACMA

I lived this year for myself. Knowing that I will start a new chapter with my husband at the end of the year, I intentionally focused on myself and all the things that reminded me of my youth. I spent two months alone, with minimal contact with Jay, and indulged myself with everything that I wanted to do. I flew to California to see my father and my cousins. I relived my childhood – watched animes, re-read Harry Potter, binged on my favorite mangas, talked to my parents for hours, did my hair at 11pm like a conscious teenage girl. I cherished my past. I reminisced all my puppy loves and heartbreaks and how, thank God, I did not end up with any of them. I lived in the present knowing that in a few months, my life will change. I hoped for the future thinking that finally, after a long and winding journey, I will be spending the rest of my life with the love I fought so hard for.

I know that loving one person for the rest of my life is intentional, deliberate and at times, forced. The life that I am embarking on is not only a union of two people but two cultures and languages. No one knows whether our marriage is worth it in the end but I am sure that I will never regret giving my heart and choosing to fight for our love every single day. 

I choose to live full of love. I want to cherish my family – the family who gave me life and my new family who accepted and acknowledged me as a capable wife. I want to cultivate my friendship with my beautiful friends who flew miles to see me during my happiest day. With friends who sent their love and well-wishes even when we are miles apart. I want to love my work without the need for romanticized passion. I want to enjoy happy moments without the need to cling to them. I don’t want to worry about how I will feel when it’s over.

As always, it was a year filled with learnings. Among all the great things that happened to me this year, thank you 2018 for giving my greatest love. 

November 3, 2018. Seoul, Korea

Day 13: Someone I would want to switch lives with for one day and why

My generation has been going through adulting in social media. If there's one thing that Instagram has taught me, aside from tweaking my photos to achieve that perfect filter, is that people's lives are far different than what we perceive. So if I think deeply about it, there's really no other life that I wanna live other than what I have right now. But if only for a day, I would want to spend a day living like Amal Clooney. I have a lifelong fascination with brilliant, career-oriented and sympathetic women like Natalie Portman, Amal Clooney, and Emma Watson since I was young. I wanted to grow up like these women and now that I've grown up, it's a bit sad that I don't even have a quarter of their brilliance. Lol. I am always curious how these people start their day - do they wake up before everybody else, just like Bill Gates and Elon Musk? Do they have a mindful daily routine? Are they intentional even in the mundane? Do they also slack and waste time on social media like me? What makes it to their priority list? I'm also curious to know how they come up with big decisions. Do they spend 3 days being anxious over the outcomes or are they as elegant and graceful as they are perceived to be? 

I'm curious. 

Day 12: Favourite movies

I'm not going to rack my brains in identifying my favorite among the thousands of films that I've seen in my lifetime but here are some of the movies I saw in the last three months, most of which I watched in succession during my recent long-haul flight.

1. The Devil Wears Prada (2006)
Like most girls, this is a sure pick-me-up for me. Whenever I want to watch something nice but couldn't find any good movie, I always choose Devil Wears Prada. Haha. It stars Meryl Streep, it's funny, there are really good clothes and makeup in every frame and Anne Hathaway is pretty. What's not to like?

2. Going in Style (2017)
Three old men, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, and Alan Arkin, tried to rob a bank. You can't go wrong with a feel-good movie and a solid cast like this.

3. I, Daniel Blake (2016)
This is an independent British film, mostly a social commentary of the current flaws of the British welfare system and how it affects the needy in a domino-effect manner. Viewers from developing countries wish for welfare systems like this and so they might not be able to sympathize with the issues presented in the film. But overall, this movie leaves an uncomfortable after-taste as if you were asked to swallow a bitter reality. 

4. The Circle (2017)
Tom Hanks and Emma Watson. What can possibly go wrong?
Everything.

5. Snowpiercer (2013)
Well-made apocalyptic film - a unique concept, solid acting and fresh faces (at least for Western audiences) - from Bong Joon Ho.

6. Bohemian Rhapsody (2018)
The story felt like it was taken out from Wikipedia, meaning the movie showed what everybody knows about Queen and Freddie Mercury. But the beauty of the film was not in the story - it's the storytelling, execution, and quality that made it a treat for all the viewers. I left the cinema with a huge smile on my face and much love for Queen and their songs. What else should you ask for?

The Terminal

I just got off from a 14-hour flight, passed the very stressful immigration in LAX and so you can expect that I was looking the worse for wear. I was too oblivious to my surroundings, dreaming of a nice cold shower. I was sitting next to a lady and two men on an airport bus that would take us to the regional terminal. I didn't know the lady was sobbing until the older gentleman offered a handkerchief. She politely declined. After a few minutes, the younger man who turned out to be a pilot asked my seatmate if she's alright. We learned that she's trying to catch the soonest flight to Oregon because she had just learned that her father was literally hours away from dying and she might not make it on time. The lady offered a few more details. The doctors just started administering morphine and her father had been holding on for as long as he could. I didn't know how to respond to that kind of news from a stranger but I gotta give it to my seatmates for being compassionate and sensitive people. "I'm sure your father is holding on because he is waiting for you", the old man said. 

The lump in my throat wouldn't go away. It was a hot day in LA and I could use a drink but the line was really long in the one and only deli cafe in the regional airport. I had a small talk with the man in front of me. I told him I was off to San Francisco to meet my Dad. He asked if he lives in the US and I told him, no, but he reports to the CEO in Silicon Valley every quarter so this is a good time to visit the US and bond with him. It must've been hard being away from my family, he sympathized. I asked him back where he was off to and casually replied, "Texas. I'm also going there to meet my Dad, but it's because he is very ill at the moment." 

I was genuinely sorry to hear this. 

Life works in a funny way. I could have gone anywhere else. I thought of going to New Zealand, Japan, or the Philippines instead but I really wanted a quality father-daughter time and so I booked this trip. I was a bit apprehensive because I never really knew how to talk to my dad when it's just the two of us but, just hours before we met, life showed me that there are people, who can be sitting right next to me, who are literally chasing time to be with their fathers for the last time.

You see, every day we meet thousands of people who are going through different things in life and we won't ever find out. We are occupied by our own tribulations that we tend to forget this truth and that is completely understandable. But this is a powerful reminder to mindfully exercise my gratitude especially for very valuable human connections that I still have. For having good health and financial means to meet them even when I live miles away. For having the luxury of time to do so. And for all the many little things that I should have been grateful for a long time ago. 

Overcoming perfectionism

I can still remember the day I first went to my psychologist’s office for my first counseling session. I was feeling anxious. My brain had been overthinking for the last few months leading up to my counseling. I couldn’t sleep at night. I ruminated. I was agitated almost all the time. I poured all my frustrations to my trusted counselor, all in 50 minutes. And the first thing that she told me was most of my anxiety and other issues stem from my tendency to be a perfectionist.

"Perfectionism, in psychology, is a personality trait characterized by a person's striving for flawlessness and setting high-performance standards, accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations."

My counselor described it as an overbearing mother who pushes me to be the best version of myself thinking that it’s for my own good. I benefit from my perfectionism by producing high-quality outputs, having very high attention to detail, and by actually reaching this point – the Ph.D. But like any overbearing mother (don’t shoot me), at some point, it becomes just that – overbearing. For the past year that I’ve been going for counseling, I always had some new struggles to share and every single one of it stems from my perfectionism. I try new approaches to at least manage it to a healthy level like practicing self-compassion and mindfulness. Some weeks, I succeed, some days I fail. 70% of the time, those failures were triggered by social media. That fucking Instagram.

**

I am part of the social media generation. My opinion on how it affected my personality is real inasmuch as I grew up with its progression. I was eleven when I first connected my Windows 2000 computer to the World Wide Web with a prepaid card, fourteen when I joined MySpace and Friendster, seventeen when I started blogging in Multiply. 2009 was when I finally didn’t have to cheat my birthday to join Facebook, and I was twenty when my inner artsy was awakened by Instagram. My generation joined the advent of these media-sharing platforms that aimed to “share lives and connect people”. It did the job. Moving out of the country at twenty-four, I will always be thankful for smartphones and online group chats for keeping my friendships and sanity intact in the process. But it seems like humans have a knack for exploiting everything that is harmless as they turned all these platforms as instruments to either 1) manipulate, 2) generate money, 3) promote perfection or 4) witch-hunt. Finally, at twenty-seven, I had a burnout from all of it. 

As an individual who started using social media to decompress from the real world, I became affected by how they are turning out to be manipulative and, in the end, transforming me. As a young woman earning a salary and wanting to improve myself, I got so excited by internet accounts with almost-perfect lives online. I got so obsessed with their perfect skin while wearing no makeup as per their captions. My perception of a beautiful and empowered woman changed by seeing these busy, career-oriented women purportedly juggling multiple roles in life flawlessly. Fresh out from a long-haul flight yet not a hair out of place, not a single pimple in sight, and still brimming with grace in their allegedly candid pictures. New mothers holding their firstborns, all looking like they came from a salon, not the delivery room. I followed most of them. A few years later, more and more perfect-looking women sprouted like mushrooms on Instagram. More and more twenty-something women joining the New York Fashion Week, with enviable clothes and magazine-worthy photos, when I couldn’t even afford one of their tiny bags. My curiosity turned to envy. I looked in the mirror and my inner monologue kept telling that my whole life needed to be more like them -- more graceful, more filtered, busier, prettier, and every bit of "more". So when life took a toll on my physical and mental health, aka all mental and skin issues from hell broke loose in Australia, I finally woke up to my senses. Social media is manipulating my perceptions. My life was okay. I didn’t need the harmful comparisons with these strangers. Social media is feeding my perfectionism.

These are real struggles of the social media generation. A pre-millennial can brush it off and offer the best solution: quit social media. By now, we can all agree that it is impossible. Until some miracle happens that would start the Great Internet Downfall, I don’t think I can ever quit. I have long accepted that I need to manage my perfectionism, stay online and shield myself from social media manipulations all at the same time. So I un-followed people that plant unkind thoughts. I regulate my internet consumption (or at least try to). I practice self-compassion. More importantly, I hope I won’t be any more complicit in portraying my life perfectly when it isn’t. I regret that my young, show-off and immature-self used social media as a highlight reel too many times. 

**

One of my newfound hobbies is people-watching. I see people of all ages, genders, and shapes walking past me. It's amazing how these people are oblivious to my presence as much as I am hyperaware of mine. Sure I may catch a pair of eyes or two, exchange some friendly smiles, but they don’t spend more than a split second, moreover scan me from head to toe, and count how many zits I have on my face. I see strangers, coworkers, and friends who have their own insecurities too. Imperfections. Dissatisfaction. But unless they point out some mole on their face that they are bothered about, or unless they speak about their struggle in speaking English, I will never notice a thing at all. I see them as humans with their own individualities. I realized that even I, a perfectionist individual with high attention to detail, don’t even see imperfections when I look at people – so then why do I have to do that to myself?

Day 11: Favorite TV shows

My blogging commitment has really gone down the drain. At this rate, I'll be lucky if I finish this 30 'day' blog challenge in one year. But I firmly believe that it's better late than never so here I am back to doing this.

My love for How I Met Your Mother has been well documented in this blog throughout the whole series. I expressed my disappointment with the ending of the show, which I thought was very unnecessary and forced, but nevertheless, it will always have a soft spot in my heart. As much as I want to binge watch Friends, arguably the better HIMYM, it's still not available in Netflix Australia. Since HIMYM ended, I haven't loved or even followed any new TV shows. Everyone's raving about Game of Thrones, Walking Dead, Narcos, and Suits but I've generally lost my interest in the multiple-seasons type of TV shows already. It just takes so much time and commitment. 

During my free time, I always watch Korean dramas for a number of reasons 1) they are short. 16-20 hours for the whole series and 2) I need to learn Korean. But while I do watch Korean dramas frequently, there still hasn't been a single drama that would make the list of my favorite TV shows so I really have nothing to say about this post. Hahaha. Ciao! 

Twenty seven years

The first quarter of this year had been very eventful for me. Aside from the general turning-over-a-new-leaf, early this year was when both of my parents left their forties and I turned 27, and when Jay and I celebrated three years of being together. It was also when I achieved some career milestones – sealing two research footprints and reaching the halfway mark of my PhD program. I have so much to say, being the reflective person that I am, for each of these milestones but how do I write without being redundant? How do I write something relatable? The learnings, stories, and emotions have been scattered in my head for a long time and it’s only today that I realized why I haven’t been able to write – because an adult life is not anymore a box divided into love, family, and career. It’s rather a continuous thread that entwines all aspects of our lives that has to be viewed altogether.

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Until I was eighteen, I used to think that actors past 25 are old in a sense that they should stop acting in romantic comedy movies because 25 year-olds are not charming anymore. Don’t shoot me, I was naïve. Now that I am 27, past the 'expiration' age according to my younger self, I still do not feel any different than when I was 22, at least in the context of youth. I am healthy and fit, I still get carded at the liquor store when I don’t wear makeup, and aside from the lost cheek fat, I generally feel no difference. What drastically changed was my life outside the skin-deep markers of age. Now, I have more freedom in almost all aspects of my life – financial, social and personal. My parents have stopped interfering, or even at least commenting, on my life decisions and they have long held me accountable for the outcomes of my choices. I moved out when I was 24. I earn and manage my finances. I pay my own rent, buy my groceries and pay for my insurance. Coming from a very conservative and protective family, this is a drastic and welcome change that my 18-year-old self would have never seen coming.

You see, it all sounds exciting until it becomes overwhelming or in other words, “adulting”. That dreaded stage of our 20’s when life is suddenly full of responsibilities, expectations, and judgments, and never about enjoying our long-awaited freedom anymore. I still want to feel young, energetic, and free from lifelong commitments and yet life shoves too many overwhelming responsibilities and sets impossible life deadlines that, according to society, I should have met by now.

It doesn’t mean that the society is the only one at fault for my adulting fiasco. To illustrate, if my life is a biopic, all my travel and vacation memories will not be part of the highlights. Instead, it will show what I think are the best versions of myself: hardworking and motivated student, a good daughter to her parents, a career-oriented woman, and a loving and supportive partner. I used to measure my self-worth by my achievements and never by my efforts. So last year, when life demands suddenly became unmanageable and goals got unattainable, my sense of self-worth was shaken and so was my mental health. I had episodes of depression. My desire to meet my unrealistic expectations heightened my anxieties. I became too anxious towards my health. My homesickness turned to excessive worrying. I hated myself so I poured all my time and attention towards my relationship that eventually turned to unhealthy overdependence. I was a mess.

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Counseling and self-help materials guided me on how to give the same love, compassion, and sympathy that I give to other people towards myself without feeling narcissistic and selfish. It’s the same love acknowledges my own achievements, no matter how big or small, even when the only achievement is to get out of the house to fight depression. It’s the same self-love that made me proud of my position in academia – despite the mockery and ignorance of other people about what I do. I learned that for as long as I give my best in whatever I do and believe that in good faith, it will somewhat contribute to this world, then I should be proud of myself.

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They say, people who do not love at all, not even himself, do not fear anything. I knew that love is at the core of all my fears and anxieties but while they all came from good intentions, it made me unhealthy. I was not ready to process the new layers of life that I had experienced. Ones that only come with age and maturity. I never doubted my love for my parents, but it’s only now that I can finally understand their love. Parents have their own dreams, feelings, and ambitions that do not necessarily revolve around their children but it’s their selflessness and love that made them set aside their individualities. Perry and Lily are people before they are my parents. I grow up as much as they grow old. While that fact still wrenches my heart, it is a reality that I have come to terms with only now that I am older. 

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Perhaps the culmination of my learnings on love and life is my relationship with Jay. Out of all the things told about love, this I proved true: relationships need as much work as love for it to work. We could have given up a long time ago. It was a time when being single was far more practical and convenient than spending all our salaries searching for every possible way to stay together in a country that neither of us calls home. For Jay, whose home country shines brighter than where he moved to, he really had no reason to stay. And after countless failures, thousands of dollars and a surgery, safe to say we had all the logical reasons to end our relationship. But the simple reason why we held on was also the main reason why our relationship began: we really love each other. I was certain that I will never find another love like ours and I have no reason to find it in someone else – period.

I believe in fate. Fate is the reason why we met in the first place. It was fate that aligned our lucky stars and opened both our PhD programs in the same city. And it was also fated that we both have the most supportive parents who never held us back. But just as much as the hands of God worked in our lives, it was also our hard work that led us here. Where we are right now is the sum of all our efforts - from persistent applications, ardent long-distance communications, and daily language lessons, down to our commitment to stay together through thick and thin. I know it sounds like a lot of work, but if you're fighting for the right person, believe me when I say you'll never think twice. 

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One thousand three hundred words were written, and yet I still don’t know the secret to a good life.  I don't know the secret to a lasting marriage. Twenty-seven years later and yet I am still clueless about this world. But what I do know by now is I should live more ardently and passionately each day. That I should stop pursuing a happy life, but rather a life full of meaning. Twenty-seven more years later, I hope I can say I lived rather well.  

People for All Seasons

"You have to accept that some people are not made for deep conversations, or for holding you together when you’re about to fall apart, or for keeping you from unzipping your skin, or for talking you out of suicide, or to love you through the worst moments of your life. Some people are made for shallow exchanges, and ridiculous banter, and nothing more. And that’s okay. That doesn’t make them horrible people because they simply aren’t able to handle a storm like you. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you won’t divulge all the gritty details of your horror show. It makes you smart. You have to accept that there will be people that cannot give what you need. It doesn’t mean they are not worth keeping in your life. You just have to figure out who these ones are before you’re disappointed. And you have to keep them at arm’s length. You cannot expect everyone in your life to understand, to be nonjudgmental, to get it. But that’s okay, because not everyone was made to impart wisdom, or wax-poetic, or speak on politics and the depravity of society, or discuss how crucial it is that the stigma of mental illness be abolished. There are times when you have to get away from all that heaviness. You have to. And you will need superficial conversation about Kim Kardashian’s arse, or a debate on the color of The Dress. You will need those ones. So don’t go round cutting people off and dropping your friends. You need people for all your seasons. You need people or you won’t survive this.”